18. The secret sauce

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." 

--Ecclesiastes 11:1

As part of my Konmari spiritual awakening, I'd decided to not let myself have more than one back-up of everything we buy at Costco (e.g, napkins, Clorox wipes, Ziploc bags), even when they go on sale. I used to buy two or three of things when they were on coupon, in case I needed them before the next sale happened. (I'm sure it's all a part of their strategy to have sales at different rates/frequencies to increase your feeling of scarcity.)

My defense was that we'd need those things anyway, and since inflation possibly outpaces interest rates, toilet paper might - from a strictly financial point of view - be a better investment than cold, hard cash in our checking account...?!?!?

But when I started seriously considering the things that made me happy, having a calm and uncrowded house was more important to me than the $2-3 I might save each time I bought something on sale. Also, it was starting to get really packed in our garage (still is) and sometimes I honestly can't find stuff I know we have. Less frustration > saving money ==> sanity > money

I'm definitely grateful for the scrimp-and-save mentality I learned from my immigrant parents, but I'm now nonetheless enjoying experimenting with that in my life.

In a real emergency, being stocked up on things is not going to save me, right?

And if I can be more present and more alive by having less stuff and being less worried, I'll be free to create and generate more whether it be financial or otherwise.

A crazy (to me) example of how this played our recently was with this marinara sauce I discovered at Costco sometime last fall, called Victoria White Linen. We usually make our own sauce but this stuff was good: Old World style and with few ingredients. After trying and loving it, we stocked up and got eight 40 oz (!) jars. I freely cooked with my supply until I stopped seeing it at Costco. I thought it was so bizarre that it disappeared right after it had been promoted. I loved the sauce so much I almost wrote Costco.

For a while I stopped using my precious remaining jars. I was like a crazy Depression lady.

Then, after recently doing Konmari, I thought, This is stupid. (Not as stupid as Costco discontinuing the sauce, but still stupid.) I started using the sauce, even as an act of faith. Faith that there'd be enough. Faith that I could enjoy the sauce and faith that there was enough hope, peace, and resilience in me even if there would eventually be no more sauce.

We enjoyed and savored it, and slowly whittled down our stash to one last jar.

And then just yesterday we were wandering around Costco and to our astonishment we saw it! The people around me must have thought I was a little crazy when I reached out as though seeing an old friend, squealing "Victoria!"

My habits are changing and I'm so glad I didn't waste any of my own precious time mentally complaining about why Costco discontinued the sauce or fearing we'd run out of something good.

And now, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I am the secret sauce.

09. Undone

Part of me wants to more closely examine what is sustaining this recent influx of creative energy, but the other part is embarrassed about what it's (I'm?) most likely going to find, because it's most likely The Internets. Like, really? So lame.

I guess this is really a humble brag. Because I am such an ideation and input person, I'd chosen for the longest time to resist/minimize technology lest it overtake my life. Also, six years ago when we first moved to a new city, I thought that instead of spending time on technology I would actually go and MEET PEOPLE, what a novel concept. That really didn't work so well. I don't know if it's me or the city but it's still hard to make friends here.

Surprisingly (that's a euphemism for depressingly), in recent months of dipping my toes into the waters of the aforementioned internets, I've found a lot of interesting and energizing ideas. Nursing has provided me hours of inspiration through e-books or Instagram, and I've been consuming podcasts and audiobooks while cleaning/folding laundry/walking. I have yet to be swept up into the ocean, although there are moments I still fear drowning.

(Sidebar: I recently heard two (and two is therefore ALL) super creative people mention that they love the internet because they are introverts and it allows them to feel connected without having to do it in person. I cocked my head in confusion when I heard that. I'm here on the other side as an extrovert saying, ohmygoodnesspleasebemyfriendi'llmakeyouanythingyouwanttoeatandwecanhangoutforever and youshouldprobablybringyourtoothbrushsoyoucanspendthenight and no one wants to be my friend! Okay, maybe not no one but sometimes it really feels that way. I sincerely apologize to the many people currently in my life who are being super gracious with me and extending friendship to me. End mini-rant.)

(And also. I should have made an analogy in my other post about wanting to gather/survey all the non-Facebookers. Instead of "Introverts unite! Separately, in your own home", I need something like, "non-Facebookers, come connect with me... on Xanga?")

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... Maybe that I'm disappointed that I initially chose to minimize engagement with and reliance upon technology in pursuit of Greater Fulfillment, but that in this point of my life, the internet seems to be a great tool in helping me achieve my goals?

Part of why I made a project out of blogging is not because I'm an introvert (I'm not) and I need to hide behind my computer but because I'm an external processor and I need to get my thoughts and feelings out so that I can feel normal. (And because David doesn't have all day to listen to be ramble, and because Kathy is going to hit me over the head if I mention the word "creativity" one more time.)

***

I'm thinking about the relationship between discipline and freedom (and my mind drifts back to Richard Foster, ah). Today I randomly recalled a quote I heard on a podcast episode where Robin Long shared one of her mantras, "Do the thing you need to do, to feel the way you want to feel." I love that; I think it encapsulates adulthood, which I'm finally starting to own (good thing, bad thing?), in the best sense. Yes, adults have to do lots of hard things, things we may not feel like doing. But adults have the power and freedom to pursue their own joy and happiness, too. Now if only I could figure out 1) what I need to do, and 2) how I want to feel. #youngersibling #enneagram6

So that's what I'm thinking about today, as I process and express myself like an angsty teenager would.

***

Also, currently: reading The Fault in Our Stars and listening to The Art of Non-Conformity.

Aaand, two diagrams that writing this post made me think of doing: 1) listing all the forms of communication/connection I prefer and in what order; 2) making a matrix of all my friends, local and long-distance, with their levels of introversion-extraversion and other personality traits.

So... leave a comment and sign off with your Myers-Briggs for me?



Housekeeping note: I started this post yesterday and am finishing today. I'm going to give myself grace and not make up an extra post. (Plus, the fact that I jumped around to a million different topics should count for something, right?) I think I will just keep plugging along until I've done 20 posts, somewhat following the month-long minus the weekends rule that I set up for myself in the beginning.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

--Walt Whitman

... 

(That ellipses there is supposed to signify that what comes after this parenthetical is like the secret track when you let your CD keep playing. Remember those?)

Okay, I really need to hit Publish, but I just found this: have you heard of quietism before?