An open letter from Post-Holiday Lisa

January 14, 2022

Dear October Lisa,

I am writing you before I forget how challenging this past holiday season was, in hopes I can help you prevent some of the mistakes I made. “Mistakes” feels a little harsh; you truly did your best and had already implemented all you already knew to implement from holidays past. Please receive this as me gently encouraging you to be kind to yourself as you enter this season.

October 2019

In a month or so, you'll be hitting the crazy that is the holidays. The on-ramp is the same that most families face; however, instead of being able to put your feet up on December 26th, you'll be staring down the barrel of Theo and Emi’s birthdays at the time of year when there is the least daylight. You'll know in your brain that it's only a week away, but because the calendar stops of December 31st, it is literally a year away. 

I hope that by the time you are reading this, you’re already a month into the new academic calendar system you’ve planned to adopt this fall. Why not use the energy of summer to launch you into a new year, and be fully in the swing of things instead of wondering why December 26-31 even exists?

This is also a good time to order Amy Knapp’s Big Grid calendar that you’ve used for 9 out of the past 10 years. That one time you waited until March was really dumb. 

(Though I must admit that the farmer’s market-themed calendar from Dollar Tree had surprisingly cute graphics, there wasn’t nearly enough room to write anything useful on its squares.) 

I know it will feel weird to start a new calendar when there are three perfectly good months left in the old one, but I promise you, on December 26th you will really appreciate this foresight.

Alright, the first thing I want to say is this: congratulations on surviving another back-to-school. You’ve had four of these, but the first three were pretty traumatic, what with a new kindergartener and then COVID-19 and who even knows how this one is going to have been. (Tenses are really confusing when I’m writing now to my future self about the future past.)

It seems like back-to-school shouldn’t be so hard. September is the best month! It’s your birthday month! It’s summer and autumn all in one month! Pumpkin spice everything! And yet. 

The kids - and let’s face it, you - tend to resist the loss of freedom (and time at the lake) as we transition from summer to fall. While new classes, friends, and teachers are all fun, it feels like the routine of school brings to light all that is not rhythmic at home: when to have dinner, for example, feels super wonky after all those long sunny evenings when we take hot dogs to the lake.

There seems to be stuff everywhere: goggles and swimsuits and sand and also leaves. You keep raking and yet the leaves keep falling. By the time you wait for the last bunch to fall, a series of rainstorms waterlogs it all. 

In a couple weeks you’re going to start feeling settled and like you’re really ready to tackle Christmas, like you’ve really got it this year. You’re going ace it.

Bless your heart, October Lisa. Let’s just try to make a teeny tiny bit of progress this year. 

Because your heart is to serve the people you love, remember that when you try to build things big and inevitably get overwhelmed, the people you love end up having to help you recover. Thankfully, they are there for you and are happy to help you, but I think they would rather you just didn’t overwhelm yourself in the first place. Sooooo, let’s keep all that in mind as we start to paint a vision for this holiday season.

I have some Big Picture Thoughts for you, but I'm going to start with some practical stuff because I know you are impatient to get started.

· If you’re feeling like doing gifts (you probably are despite what you might tell everyone else), here’s how I want you to go about it. First, please make sure you buy and wrap Theo and Emi’s birthday gifts in “birthday paper” (as Linda Schell affectionately calls it). Get it from the dollar store (the paper, not the gifts). It might be weird, but I suspect you’ll feel strangely accomplished, and more importantly, hopefully guilt-free as you start getting weary of Christmas shopping/planning/doing and running out of steam. Use “Christmas Energy” to complete Birthday Tasks.

· Get out your aqua notebook (I really hope I put this somewhere you can find it next year). Keep a few pages blank for Thanksgiving and then start a gift ideas page. Also use this to keep notes on everything that is working and not working. And you'll use it for your gift matrix (see below).

· Buy Christmas wrapping paper from Dollar Tree. Assign one type to each kiddo. (Using up last year’s coding is great, too.)

· Wrap as you go (before the dopamine from shopping wears off!). This one is big.

· You’ll probably feel like being creative with community helpers but there’s really no need, especially if that paralyzes you from doing anything. See what you did last year, and do it again. November is a totally appropriate time to do it, and remember, when you “turn things in early,” the grading is gentler. You have leftover Christmas cards you like in the craft cabinet. Use those for cash gifts.

· Halloween was a really fun time to start on a lot of this stuff. This year you can try out earlier if you wish. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

· Limit locations that you shop at; it will simplify keeping track and making returns.

· Play cozy jazz and holiday movies while wrapping (and even while not). Re-read Laura Weir’s Cosy. Buy it for yourself if you haven’t already. Re-watch Little Women (the 1994 version that “ruined Batman” for Kathy).

· Take October to quiet the kiddos’ spaces (rooms and playroom, and living room, and garage, oh geez), changing out clothes, finally putting away swim stuff (sigh, yes), and donating lots of things. (In each room, put like-with-like and have three garbage bags: trash/donate/"orphans".)

· I want to recommend something outlandish to you this year. It’s just an experiment, not a new definite tradition. Try giving your gifts to Kathy, Theo, Emi, and Cori on the last day of school (i.e., Friday) before winter break. This allows you to demarcate between the end of school and the beginning of winter break. You love that feeling of being done with assignments and get super anxious until fixed, major events/performances are over, so this should relieve some of the pressure. Rather than being subjected to the varying (from year to year) number of days between that Friday and when the 25th is, you pre-empt (a euphemism for "control", heh) the bedlam this way.

· Then you can use Saturday and Sunday to recuperate. However, as anxious as you are to put away the tree, let’s try to keep it up at least until the evening of the 25th. (David will thank you.) This year Christmas is on a Sunday, so you can ask David to help you put it away that evening. [That sounds a little shocking as I'm editing this in October now, so perhaps consider having Bethany to come on Monday to help you put it away.] The tree is a weird and wonky distraction for you, and you will feel immense relief when it is put away.

· Ask David to take off the Friday before break and as many days of winter break as possible. Get help with laundry and cooking. You are wearing a million hats now; especially now that it’s break, you’re teacher, janitor, principal, paraeducator, art specialist, IT support, chef, and more). You really can’t do it all. Instead of trying to make the magic, create space to receive the magic.

· Remember to go outside during daylight hours. Your morning walks are now during the dark, and you need sunlight. Take three laps (what Cori calls "Tic Tac Walks") around the outside of the house. Every lap counts.

· Take Zen, especially in the afternoons. Keep in close contact with Dr. Gordon and Sara.

· When you are feeling overwhelmed, step outside for a minute, then come inside and do a pen-and-paper brain dump. Remember that this is a normal time to feel overwhelmed. Even if you’re doing everything you can to anticipate and minimize the stress, expect it to happen. The last thing you need is to beat yourself up for not perfectly preventing every disappointment. Remember that it’s okay to cry; it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’re giving up. It’s normal to struggle.

Finally, January 1st will probably not feel like “New Year’s Day” to you. It’s the dead of winter, you have kids’ birthdays coming up (hopefully you’re feeling less guilty this year), it’s probably super cold outside, and your energy is at its lowest, plus you’re taxed from holiday stress, which we’ve tried to minimize, but won’t ever be perfected. 

It’s okay to feel hollow, exhausted, ready for the kids to go back to school. You’ll get back your energy. It may not be by later in January, or even by May. But you will get it back. For now, pat yourself on the back for surviving December. Whew, that was a tough one! 

Your family is intact and that’s all that truly matters. Now: keep your house that way, too, by resisting the temptation to burn it all down.

I love you. You're doing great. You've got this!

Yours,

The Ghost of Lisa of Christmases Past

It's October

Yikes. It's October and I've only published five posts this year. (As I typed that sentence, a gust of wind released a million scarlet leaves from our maple, swirling as though in a snow globe.)

Taking the time to write in this blog seems frivolous, like so many fallen leaves, but I feel this pull to document some things, if only for me, and also to remember that this is a safe space, my space (lol, DEB).

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, the most prominent and comprehensive topic being the idea of seasons.

In a recent book I read, Do Less, author Kate Northup provocatively poses this question to women: what if we assessed our productivity based not on a 24-hour cycle (i.e., daily) but a 28-day cycle (i.e., monthly/lunar)? She also invites us to take into consideration the seasons, whether literal or figuratively, when taking stock of our lives and plans.

When people say, "it's just a season," it's often an attempt to comfort and console, and yet I think it incidentally gives a bad rap to whatever season that person is in. Implied, it seems, is that someone is in winter and they need only to wait for spring. Instead, I'm beginning to wonder if we can discover the gifts of winter, without expecting them to be the same as the gifts of spring, summer, and fall.

I like this idea of living with the seasons, the mindful embrace of what is, rather than what I wish were reality.

--

What does this fall have for me? What do I need to let go of?

I feel like I'm still in my summer with regards to thoughts and projects -- that many things that began to grow have not yet come to fruition. How can I trust that these things can go dormant and be picked up again in its season? And/or, which of these things can continue to grow/bloom through autumn?

--

Closing randoms / notes to myself:

- The transition to fall, and to Theo starting kindergarten and Emi starting preschool, hit me especially hard, even though I was theoretically prepared for it. I was on hiatus with my therapist since early summer (?), and have since scheduled an appointment for this Friday, but it would be good for Future Lisa to remember to preemptively schedule a follow-up at the end of whatever break I'm trying to give myself, and also to schedule appointments in advance of known transition periods.

- I don't want to forget the way Theo still jumps up and down on his tippy toes when he's super excited. Usually when he's done something nice for someone (Emi or Cori) or built something very cool.

- Self care lately looks like: brisk walks outside, serving myself beautiful food, meditation, reading for fun, painting, time with friends, saying no/delegating/not doing something just because I could. Just today: trying to do chores only when the kids are awake; catching myself (simply by noticing!) when I was self-loathing/self-sabotaging. Writing this post today really feels like self-love.

- I've read a bunch of books lately that were super fascinating. I've had to return books to the library before I got to finish them... basically, I'm having #readerproblems, and this has led me to consider creating a syllabus for myself for 2020. I think I might want to pace myself and delve more deeply into what I'm reading. Anyone have suggestions or something they want to read with me? Please comment with one book suggestion for me (either that you read and liked in 2019, or hope to read in 2020)!

- Thanks, as always, for reading! Grateful for each one of you.

Mother's Day Brunch

My sister-in-law and I hosted a Mother's Day brunch for a few of our friends this past Saturday and I had such a blast. The initial idea was inspired by Coffee+Crumbs, and while I didn't use any of the materials they provided, I was so grateful for the idea.

From the beginning, I envisioned it being somewhat multi-generational (we have a family friend who is turning 94 this year and has not only great-grandchildren, but great-great-grandchildren!) and full of delicious special food, the kind we make for our girlfriends (never wasted on little people). 

I was really proud of the planning and execution of the party. At this stage in my life with tiny people, it can be a challenge to strike a balance between having all those special touches and also living in the reality that I simply don't have time for every detail. This is where other people pitching in helped make it happen.

First of all, it was a potluck, so I didn't have to do all the food. I did a cheese platter, a caprese salad, my mom's veggie cream cheese and bagels, and a fruit-infused water. I really wanted a carrot cake to happen but it was one of the things that got dropped at the last minute, until David graciously offered to make it. Insert all the heart eyes.

(Others brought: tuna salad, egg salad, deviled eggs, yam and sweet potato galette, fruit salad, quinoa salad, sesame soba salad, shakshuka with sous vide eggs.)

Kathy and I have been playing around with watercolor lately (mostly her, and I've been inspired) so I asked her to help me incorporate some fun touches. Together we made floral patterns on name tags, food tent cards, and some stationery. She even made a bonus piece on a small canvas.

The day was bright and beautiful and the group of ladies who came were spectacular. We had fun conversation (I think everyone felt threatened that Diana would give them our "conversation starters" if they didn't come up with conversation on their own, lol), and did I mention the food was amazing?

To someone (or someones, because I think I can speak for Diana on this, too) whose love languages are food and quality time, this was all the Mother's Day present I needed: the opportunity to host and eat with my friends.

--

And now for the meta-notes I need for the future. (I actually went back to another post I wrote when I needed help remembering my own party planning tricks. Most helpful for me are: (1) write down everything, in as many different types of lists as possible - don't evaluate yourself as you're planning, just do it the way your brain works; (2) drop the stupid stuff and weight of dumb expectations; (3) plan on some stuff you're really excited about, even if it seems somewhat frivolous. I think now I can add to this list: (4) trust that it will all work out, and maybe even let people help you with some stuff!)

For this party in particular, it was helpful to:

• have everyone bring a dish (sign-up via Evite; I made generic suggestions in the What To Bring section, which helped make sure there were enough drinks and a balance of sweet and savory dishes)
• have someone bring and set up a 12-cup coffee maker half an hour before the party. (Plus, amazing Vanilla Bean syrup...)
• use our 6' table to set-up food so the kitchen counters are free for prep, which - in an ideal world, not mine obviously - can then be wiped down to look beautiful during the party. One day I'll get there. (Christine, this was something I noticed at your events in February which makes such a big difference!)
• have tent cards available for guests to label the food they brought and any relevant allergy notations

When Diana and I talked about what we would change if we did it again, I couldn't think of anything (other than maybe invite more people next time). All she had to say was, "More meat." ;p

Unmoored

Hi! I just need to check in and make sure I write/post after a week of vacation in Richmond, VA. It was so needed, more than I knew, and it's a little hard coming back to the grey and the gloom.

I don't know if the negative/blah feelings have to do with the weather, the environment, the lack of support I perceive, or if it's spiritual warfare, but for one week I was able to escape from it, and coming back I am reminded of how much I feel unmoored here.

So I'm contriving some goals (RIGHT NOW as I write this) and publishing them here to keep myself afloat until I feel better.

1. Get in my 10,000 steps. I had been doing really well with walking until the really cold months and I want to pick it up again.

2. Keep blogging. Sometimes it's hard to generate content, but the discipline is good for me. I feel like I'm trying to beat this depression like they do in AA, one day at a time.

3. Keep menu planning and keep cooking. I feel "flow" (as defined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) when I'm cooking: it's the perfect creative thing for me that's neither too easy nor too challenging to really enjoy myself. I've recently noticed that ethereal quality of "feeling at home with myself" (love that phrase from this article) while cooking lately, and I really treasure that, because I don't experience that feeling very often anymore these days.

4. Per my previous post, I'm going to try to meet up with friends more than once a week. I can't control the outcome (i.e., feeling socially energized or emotionally satisfied), but I can choose my actions.

5. Start a "thankful" list. I've talked once about how the word "gratitude" rubs me wrong, and I've since heard one other blogger/podcaster talk about it too, so it's not just me. It's funny how word choice can make such a big difference. I find I'm more empowered when I say "I'm thankful for..." or "I appreciate..." than when I say "I'm so grateful..." so if that's what it takes for me to be a more thankful person, I'll take it. With this goal, I will write down one thing I'm thankful for (or a moment that gave me joy) every day for a month, or til the end of May, and then see how it goes for me.

6. Be more open to how God is at work in my life. I'm on this interesting journey right now where I feel upside down with my faith. So much doesn't make sense to me, and it's hard to articulate what exactly that is. (Molly, your email had me thinking all week and I'm working on a response for you.)

7. Drink more water. (This was added to this list somewhat facetiously, because what list of goals does not including drinking more water?)

Alright, there it is, for everyone to see. Now I have to do it!

P.S. Anyone watched or watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix? Let's discuss! (I took some notes on my phone while watching, marked by episode, so I can "live"-discuss with you without spoilers. Text me!)

P.P.S. Most ironic moment today: using the dictation function on my phone to send a text to communicate the acronym "LOL."

Seven days of morning pages

"What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while." 
--Gretchen Rubin

I talked last week about committing to Morning Pages (tl;dr: handwriting three full pages, every single day). I plan to go at this for a month and see what happens. So far it's been a week.

I've been finding it challenging to get to three full pages on some days, but at least there's a production/output goal and I know when I'm done.

(It kind of surprises me how I can run out of things to say.)

(...but here I am, generating things to say about it. Ta da!)

Here are some things that helped me with it:

1. Finding the right notebook.

It helped to find a notebook that is nice enough that I want to write in it, but not so nice that I'm afraid of sullying it with my silly thoughts.

I mentioned the irony of me going out to Target to buy a notebook the other day because most people have half-finished spiral notebooks from college that would be perfect for the job. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I had gotten rid of all these things in the Purge.

I found the perfect-for-this-purpose notebook at Target: the Yoobi college-ruled spiral notebook. It was $2.29, which back when I was going to school seems kind of expensive, but it's still significantly cheaper than a $8-10 journal.

I love it because it's not stupidly sized (8"x10.5" anyone?), although, ha!, I just realized this is actually 9"x11" (so weird) and thus I've actually been forced to write more than three 8.5"x11" pages. Insert sideways glance emoji.

It has a firm cover and lays nicely, so whether you're writing on the left side or the right side, it's very sturdy. (Side note: every other day you will get to start on the "nice" side. Ha!)

2. Writing at the same time every day.

For me it works out to do it in the morning during Emilyn's first nap and when Theo is in independent play time. Morning pages takes 20-30 minutes for me.

I have been super slacking about my early wake up. (David is probably on to something when I said I should resume with that after our elimination diet is over.) I can't be consistent enough to do this before the kids wake up (and my brain probably wouldn't be awake enough either), so if's going to be during the "work day" I like getting it done at the first moment of free time I have so I can get the most possible benefit from it, and I can check it off my list.

(I think this point may not be universal. Some people may benefit more from not doing it at the same time every day. It's just what works for me.)

If I remember, I lay out my notebook and pen on top of my laptop the night before so I am reminded to do it.

3. Setting the stage for work.

It helps me to be dressed (at least jeans and shoes) and to have my face clean and moisturized. Lately when I've been trying to sit down for work I turn my phone to Do Not Disturb. Some people even go so far as to put their phones in airplane mode. I don't find that necessary for me, but I could see how that could help.

On one morning I was feeling anxious about random stuff and it prevented me from beginning well. I didn't want to do a full-blown meditation and not have enough time to write (sigh), so I set a timer for five minutes and did a self-guided body scan. I finished before the timer rang (obviously not the goal, but just fyi), and I felt way more relaxed and able to begin.

4. Coloring outside the lines.

In college, I frequently took notes on printer paper because I don't love how diagrams look on lined paper and I like to take notes in a non-linear fashion. But for this, I am trying not to freak out about crossing through lines to draw pictures, make lists, sketch mind maps, and chart out matrices.

There are no rules other than filling up three pages!

You can change the subject on yourself every paragraph, or every sentence. I insert a ton of parentheticals (duh), even though I am writing to myself. Some people say you should never go back and read them, but I've been taking a highlighter to the things that are worth referring back to.

5. Using it to hash out whatever is bothering me.

This is related to the previous point. Using non-linear ways of expression often helps me solve a problem. One day I drew a big heart and filled it in with elements/pieces that would help me feel like if they were in place, I would be living out of a whole heart. (To be honest, this exercise was from an assignment I didn't finish during the Known workshop last summer.)

The other day I made chart with three columns: (1) Topic, (2) Fear, (3) When I have acted on this topic, what happened?

That same day, I started lists entitled "What things around the house don't have a home?" and "What overwhelming-to-me things do I need to stop overthinking about, and just execute upon?"

6. Just keep going, even if I feel like I have nothing to say.

I had one day where I felt like I was seriously making up crap the whole time just to get to the finish line and at the very end, I came up with what I really needed to say, and I had to curve up the margin to fit it on the third page.

Highlighted: "You are scared to show/reveal the ways in which you are letting go of the long-held beliefs that you feel are what allow you to belong. BUT you belong. You have tried to combat fear with belief, but the antidote to fear is faith."

7. That completed my list, but I'm not sure how to transition out of a list to my conclusion, and doesn't making this point number seven just work perfectly for this piece?

With this, and in combination with what I said in my last two posts about blogging, I've decided to use my morning nap time for Morning Pages, and my afternoon nap time for working on the blog. I think I need to write specifically for this (i.e., the blog) every day, even if I'm only posting twice a week.

So that's how it's going so far, and these are notes to myself on how I might keep plugging along. I will be sure to keep you posted as things go on!

And tell me: what is your journaling style these days? How many different notebooks (physical and/or digital) do you have and what is each of their purposes?

Dear future self,

Here are some tips for parties you are going to host in the future because you love to host parties but hate how sometimes doing stuff you love stresses you out:

1. You are creative, so be creative. You don't have to follow all the rules to have a great event, and who wants to go to a party where the rules are the same as always?

2. Make lists of whatever is on your mind and don't be afraid to re-write those lists as the formulation and envisionment of your plans change, or as the days go by and the items are crossed out and it's closer to game time and you need your list to look very different.

3. Don't be afraid to start just because you have no idea how the heck these lists need to look for you to "feel" organized. Ignore the voice that tells you, "You've planned so many parties and you still don't know how to frame your plan?!"

4. Delegate as much as you can, especially the stuff you don't like to do. There are people out there who would love to do decorations, or plan a game.

5. Even better, cut out the stupid stuff. It's okay to have a party without favors. And it's okay for there not to be a gift-opening time at a baby shower where everyone has to sit and watch the mom-to-be seem surprised while opening everything she already saw was purchased on her registry, and which she put on there in the first place. Plus, she will really like the way you allocated time for the guests to give her their gifts and sneak in some one-on-one time.

6. Even though you dislike excess, plan one or two special touches that you are really excited about, like that blueberry lemon mint infused water. It's so beautiful!

7. If you're hosting at an off-site location, count on having to schlep all your stuff. There are tools that make your job (or the way you like to do your job) easier, and yes, it's annoying to have to bring them with you. But do it anyway. Empty out laundry baskets in advance for this cause. You'll be glad when you can use your stainless steel mini tongs for serving and your tent cards for labeling the dishes.

8. Do, do, do. As much as you love/hate the planning and the analyzing part, you also have to actually do stuff. Break things up into really small bite-sized pieces. Don't be embarrassed about writing down those baby steps on your aforementioned lists. You're a mom, and sometimes to get anything done you have to do it one teensy tiny bite at a time. Do as many of those baby steps as you can in advance. (But don't mix cut strawberries with sliced lemons for your other infused water ahead of time; the strawberries will bleed and you will be sad.)

9. Before/during the party, empower people to jump in and help; they don't need to ask questions of you. Give people enough information about the big pictures and let them know that they can do whatever they see needs to get done in order to have the event run smoothly. They can refill drinks when they see them getting low, refill serving platters, or clear plates. They don't need your permission. (And don't forget to send these people home with all the leftovers, so they can eat on them for a week.)

10, Finally, bring these napkins, but not to the baby shower, duh.