The books I read in 2020

I've been in a bit of a reading rut and have been asking friends to help me get unstuck. Christine responded by asking me what has worked for me lately to give her a launching point for her suggestions, so I plan on enumerating that below in this post.

(PSA: If you don't want to fall into a reading rut, do not read Cara Wall's The Dearly Beloved. I repeat, do not read this beautiful book by Cara Wall. Everything you read after will just not live up to the beautiful prose and striking descriptions of humans in relationship to others and their faiths. If, after this warning, you choose not to heed my advice, then maybe just follow it up with Vanishing Half, if you haven't read it already, but I'm sure you have, and so I'm sorry.)

(Thankfully, my friend Sharon is here to save us all from book rut despair. When I asked my personal Modern Mrs. Darcy what to call the genre I cannot get enough of, this is what she had to say: "I've been trying to figure this out for myself, and my working category is quiet literary fiction/character studies and family sagas (though there are some family sagas I dislike, like the super dysfunctional ones of which I have read far too many). By quiet I mean that there's very little action that happens, haha, and when I describe it to someone else I feel like a crazy person because there's so little plot progress." YES, YES EXACTLY! She then pointed me to Anne Bogel's recent post for more great books to enjoy. You're welcome.)

Okay, returning back from parathetical land.

Paradoxically, in the midst of this book desert I've been drowning in (sorry for the morbid mixed metaphor), Julia Cameron (of morning pages fame), whose course The Artist's Way I've started working through, instructs in the chapter I'm currently on to take a week of reading deprivation. (Yes, you read that right. No reading anything for a week. I think it's supposed to propel you to create your own work instead of consuming other people's work.) 

I'm not sure I can stand to not read for a whole week, but I have not read for the past 8 hours (big whoop, I know) since I read that assignment. The self-imposed inability to not turn to a book to pass time has already created a vacuum for other stuff, such as facing this blog. 

Today I will use my extra time to tell you about what I read in 2020. 

I've been tracking my reading for two years now. I made a fun bullet journal spread in 2019 and then used Goodreads more in 2020. (Goodreads = great tool, but geez they did not need to be so rude about me not meeting my reading goal last year. "Better luck in 2021" -- really?!)

Here's a pictograph (?) of my 2019 reading:

One thing I'm really proud of is reading more fiction in 2020, increasing my measly 6 in 2019 to 24 in 2020. 

Before I get to my a complete list of my 2020 reads at the end of the post, here are a few highlights.

Favorite fiction:

- The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall

- Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (Imma blame Tolstoy for me not meeting my Goodreads goal)

- The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

- Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

Favorite narrative non-fiction:

- Educated by Tara Westover

Favorite non-fiction:

- Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski

- Untamed by Glennon Doyle

- The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary (helpful and challenging enough to me that I'm re-reading this again this year)

Favorite (albeit only) Illustrated Memoir

- The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui

I actually listened to an audiobook and enjoyed it:

- Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

And here's the list in its entirety, in roughly chronological order as I read throughout the year:

Still Life by Louise Penny
Atomic Habits by James Clear

Educated by Tara Westover

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones

Shrill by Lindy West

A River of Stars by Vanessa Hua

Dear Girls by Ali Wong

Slammed by Colleen Hoover

Pride by Ibi Zoboi

The Dutch House by Ann Patchett

All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung

The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

The Flat Share by Beth O'Leary

The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

Small Fry by Lisa Brennan Jobs

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Cider House Rules by John Irving

Little Gods by Meng Jin

Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

Re Jane by Patricia Park

Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

Anna K by Jenny Lee

There, There by Tommy Orange

How to Do Nothing by Jenny Odell

Loveboat, Taipei by Abigail Hing Wen

Meet the Frugalwoods by Elizabeth Willard Thames

The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg

The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi

The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary

The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall

The Rule of One by Ashley Saunders and Leslie Saunders

Please feel free to send me recommendations for my next read and/or wish me "better luck in 2021"!

Also, raise your hand if you, like me (and Stephie and Chris*), slow down when a book is so good, because you don't want it to end, ya weirdo.

_______________

*Maria, feel free to let Chris know his first blog shout-out happened today, although I suppose he doesn't really need to read the post since he already uses your Goodreads account to stalk your friends for book recs.

Awoken

Three screenshots of my Overdrive app

This post is just a great big dump of all the books that have crossed my path in the past couple of months.

I love that I discovered Overdrive this past year (ebooks are actually not as horrible as I thought they would be; give it a try if you're wary and at least just see what you think!). But I'm also returning to my first love of actual paper copies and it is something lovely.

I showed up early to a dinner date with a friend the other day and got to browse at a nearby thrift store. My soul was awoken simply from getting to touch old fabric-bound classics and skimming book titles with my head turned sideways.

In this last year I've seriously ramped up on my plugged-in time (e.g., blogging, Instagram, texting, even some Facebook when I'm feeling crazy (!)), which for me has actually been good. But when I feel myself getting too wired, I know it's time to pull back, and some of the ways I do that is: (1) get back to reading paper books, (2) consolidating social media and blog reading to certain times of the day, (3) turning on Do Not Disturb and airplane mode as needed.

(It's crazy how something as simple as touching a natural material - e.g., paper made from trees - is at once calming and enlivening, versus touching plastic and glass.)

It's an interesting dance to figure out how to incorporate technology, to find that sweet spot where it's assisting you in your goals without sucking the marrow out of your soul.

David and I have been having some conversations (on the RoCast, our private podcast where we pretend we are famous like Rob Bell and we record ourselves using the Voice Memo app) about technology and the resulting loss of community and connection for Millennials especially, because of where we fall between two differing generations.

Anyway, I'm still figuring out the best way to share what I'm reading, but until then, here's a dump of EVERYTHING. Please chime in with any of your thoughts and/or suggestions!

Books I've finished in the last couple months

1. The Magic of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd and the Coffee+Crumbs Team (own this, love it; it would be a great baby shower gift)
2. Quiet by Susan Cain (mentioned in a recent post of mine)
3. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari (it was entertaining to read something that is so Aziz; also, enlightening to see how relationships have changed as a result of technology; the fact that texting > phone calls in 2007 explains my life.)
4. Nine Women One Dress by Jane L. Rosen (fun breezy read)
5. The Nesting Place by Myquillyn Smith (I love how Myquillyn explains how you should think about decorating, which applies to anyone no matter your style; my take-aways are It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful, you can't ruin something you already hate, just get started, you will have to make nail holes in your house and that's okay, try to do as much as you can yourself and save only what you must to bug your husband to do)
6. The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (great modern intro to the Enneagram)
7. Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner (surprised me with its tone and overall was just a unique/interesting read; I wasn't familiar with her before so that perhaps affected my read)

Books that got returned to the library before I finished them (for one reason or another!)

1. Notes from a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider
2. Falling Free by Shannan Martin
3. Untethered by Julie Lawson Timmer
4. An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (This book really resonated with me and I think I'd like to try to check out a paper copy in the future)
5. Commonwealth by Ann Patchett
6. A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman
7. How to Manage Your House Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White
8. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
9. Organized Simplictiy by Tsh Oxenreider

Books I have on hold

1. All Grown Up by Jami Attenberg
2. Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance
3. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
4. No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegal (book club book for an online group that I'm lurking in and thinking of jumping in on?)

Books that I found at the thrift store the other day (I thought it was a lucky day, but maybe it's just the good side of town, ha)

1. Big Magic by Liz Gilbert (hard cover!) - gave it to a friend and also currently re-reading; I mentioned that it was one of the most influential books I read in 2016.
2. Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster (also hard cover! can't have too many copies of my 67th favorite book, lol)
3. Rising Strong by Brené Brown (also hard cover!) - I'm reading this right now and it's amazing, if anyone cares to join along!
4. Quiet by Susan Cain (ask me if you want to borrow it!)
5. The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones

Books I'm reading now

1. Big Magic by Liz Gilbert (re-read; well, I did listen to the audiobook the first time, which was awesome, so this is my first time actually reading)
2. Rising Strong by Brené Brown
3. Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham (just got this today)
4. Your Are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy (also just got this today)

P.S. Our favorite children's book that we recently discovered: Nanette's Baguettes

P.P.S. Links are Amazon affiliate links. You won't spend extra if you purchase anything through these links, but a percentage of the sale will go to supporting the aforementioned RoCast. Just kidding. Maybe. 

On being a shy extrovert

"Vulnerability is [...] having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." -- Brené Brown

Last week I wrote about feeling weary of feeling lonely. The writing of it was very hard to tease out, but - and I keep discovering this - as I pushed though things and disciplined myself to just write (without pressure to publish but just for the sake of doing it), I felt a lot lighter.

I'm not sure what came over me the day after that but in a moment of boldness I later posted on the Year of Creativity Facebook group (and y'all know I do not use Facebook) to introduce myself for the first time (3 months into the year!) and I decided to share my blog. (Many of the ladies have already shared their blogs, published articles, social media accounts, other projects, etc.)

I had yet to speak up on the group and so, in typical me fashion, I typed with trepidation. I couldn't help but share that I'm an Ennegram 6, and that I was thus afraid that publicly sharing my blog would cause me to stop writing.

I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of responses, the encouragement to keep going, and the reassurance that I am not alone.

Apparently I had been keeping these feelings of despair to myself because I didn't want to be a burden to other people. I didn't even want to put the words to paper because I felt like I deserved to feel the burden of it. (Such is the insidious nature of isolation, whether self-imposed or not.)

But now I wonder if the truest form of opening up isn't burdensome to others, but is instead an opportunity for others to see me as I am. It doesn't demand but rather gently invites.

The same evening after I took that step to share myself in internet land, I spontaneously invited two of my neighbors and their kids over to play in our yard after dinner. To my delight, they responded with quick and eager yesses.

The chill had let up a bit as the day had progressed (as is often the case in Seattle), and I exhilarated in the thrill of having friends to chat with on the back deck as we watched the kids play on the grass and the golden glow settled on the cherry blossoms.

After they left, and we put the kids down for bed, I found myself with an unexpected energy as I tidied up the toys and cleared the kitchen.

It was a simple gathering, in which there had been no planning or food (two of my specialties) - although decaf and Bailey's was offered - but which was thoroughly satisfying for me. And while we didn't have super deep and share-all-your-darkest-secrets conversation, I was the most energized I had been in a long time.

Since that evening I've made a simple connection for me that is changing my perspective in this current season of life for me.

The connection pertains to Susan Cain's Quiet, in which the author proposes two dimensions to personality, the introversion-extroversion axis and the orthogonal axis that measures how anxious/calm or stable an individual (whether introverted or extroverted) is.

(This article, also by Cain, maps those axes to the four humors, with which I am very familiar from Stephen Ministry training, and which also explains the nuanced difference between my and David's extroversion.)

The ah-ha moment for me is that I'm an anxious or shy extrovert. (I've always joked that I'm an extroverted homebody, as in, Everybody come to me, but this categorization of Anxious really puts some legs on this thing.)

I love being with people but I dislike putting myself out there. I think this predicament is amplified by being an Enneagram 6. I am excellent at being a chameleon: I wait to see what others think first, so that I can present only the parts of myself that are congruent with them.*

(*I think this is why blogging is super scary for me, because although some close friends know every dimension and plane of me, I am wont to keep different circles of friendships in which I am a certain version of me. This supposedly is to protect me (from ostracization?), but I do it at the expense of authenticity. It sounds sad when I type this out. Sigh.

So when I tell new friends that I have a blog, I sort of cringe and think, "oh no, they are going to read something that reveals a different part of me that I'm afraid they will reject me for." And there are definitely people I want to be friends with with whom I haven't shared my blog because I am afraid of what they will think.)

Naming this disparity for myself - the fact that I get energy from people but I'm shy to be the first to put myself out there - helped me realize how I actually have more control over my life than I thought I did. I may not have control over how many deep and abiding friendships I can secure (intentionally clingy word choice there), but I can take a simple step (which may or not be related) which is to get my extroverted needs met. This - at its simplest - means to to make plans with people, spend time with them, go out and find people. So adultish, but yes, it is, after all, my responsibility to get my needs met.

For when I feel energized I am a more interesting person which ultimately reinforces my efforts to develop deeper community.

So I guess my goal now is to be aware (and accepting) of my need to be with people (just as I respect and support introverts I know who need alone time to recharge) and, with self-compassion, support myself in the quest to fill my days with more friend time. Sounds like a plan, right? (Insert self-five.)

P.S. I just read the chapter in Quiet on Asian-Americans which discusses my hometown Cupertino and even mentions my high school (!). It made me wonder if I have not adjusted my introvert-extrovert scale to a different culture outside of the Bay.

P.P.S. If anyone else is reading Quiet, I hope you'll comment below and/or text me your thoughts. So far, I'm enjoying it, but also struggling with the lack of differentiation between being introverted and being quiet. I know she tries to bring up that point (and I mention this with the two axes above) but I still think that the analysis is confounded by a subtle confluence between extroversion and expressiveness. I struggle to believe that America or the West is actually necessarily more extroverted than other cultures, but rather that expressiveness and boldness and individualism are elevated in this culture. I don't believe extroversion and expressiveness are the same thing. Anyhoo, maybe I'm misreading this or projecting on it too much.

P.P.P.S. I'd love your comments! Being a grown up means I can "ask for what I want and honor the response" (Richo, How To Be An Adult). Well, this extroverted Enneagram 6 thrives on feedback so I would love to hear from you. :) Thanks, as always, for reading. This is such a good exercise for me, to write and then to be brave by sharing. Thank you so much for being here.

The life raft I've needed

Somewhat abashedly, I bring you this post that has been sitting in my drafts for a couple months now: The Three Most Influential Books I Read in 2016. 2016 was a big year for me, and the biggest gift - besides the birth of my daughter, obvs - was learning about Overdrive and getting access to a library (#literally) of books at my fingertips. 

I'm thankful for all the discoveries I made through falling in love with reading again this last year; there was so much magic in it (#literallyagain), and I look forward to reading and sharing more in 2017!

1. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

I keep thinking I need to write a separate post about this because it is changing my life, as well as still kicking my butt because I am not done with it (i.e., the tidying, not the book).

I'm sure you have heard enough about Kondo's concepts from everyone else on the internet already, but it has been the one method that has really worked for getting me to confront the underlying reasons of why I can't always do the things I need to do to get to the place I want to be.

A few of you texted me after I wrote The Secret Sauce. I still really struggle with scarcity mentality, and I've been thinking a lot about how if I let go of fear, what will be left?

2. Essentialism by Greg McKeown

Oddly, I can't remember exactly why I loved this book so much (other than having it read to me by the author; I've since changed Siri to a UK man voice so I can pretend that Greg McKeown is with me always).

The most convicting point was when he challenged his readers with the question (paraphrased): are you going to look back on your life and regret not doing the one thing you were made to do, because you were so busy chasing the meaningless other things you thought you needed to do (or that you thought other people expected you to do)?

3. Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

This was another good one to have read aloud (Christine rightly recommended the audio version, and I am SO not an audiobook person), because it's also read by the author, and Liz Gilbert has thee most soothing and encouraging voice ever.

I loved everything Gilbert had to say, but the most important takeaway for me was: don't take yourself so seriously / don't be a tormented artist / follow inspiration and curiosity / don't worry so much about the outcome / enjoy the process / have fun with your art.

This is the message that I've been carrying into my life for the past half-year now, and am incorporating here by showing up on my blog, starting to Instagram more, doing random art projects, and working on some diy projects around the house.

I think she really gets it right when she talks about how inspiration is from the Divine, and that if we want more opportunities for it, we have to take action on the ones we are given.

This seems like a bold statement to make, but I feel like Big Magic has been the life raft I've needed ever since graduating from college.

Please let me know what you've been reading and loving!

--

And this week's menu!

Miso mapo tofu is my own creation to make mapo tofu without gluten (so many black bean sauces have wheat in them, didn't know that before!). Miso works really well (not soy free, however) and makes a flavorful dish that incidentally serves as a non-spicy version great for kids! Another standby is to have rotisserie chicken from the grocery store on one night and make broth with the carcass the following day for pho (just add fish sauce!). For bún (i.e., Viet noodle bowls), we work off of Molly's recipe from Delancey.

P.S. I am so giddy because apparently on February 23 I got my first two Amazon Affiliate purchases from this blog. Besides feeling giddy, I am so curious who that was, so if that was you and this wouldn't embarrass you, would you please let me know either by comment or email what you got?? Thanks, on all counts!

P.P.S. Shout-out to Christine, whose What I'm Reading series inspired this post, and which will inspire you as well.

Designing my blog

After writing and publishing that last post, I felt great (awesome comments/discussion too!) but nowhere nearer to a satisfactory solution for structuring this blog.

It was a gift, then, that Designing Your Life showed up in my queue on Overdrive, because the concepts raised in the book addressed the questions that have been rising up in my soul.

Using the principles taught in the Design School at Stanford, Burnett and Evans talk about how to design your life. (I mentioned in a previous post on vocation that I once took a course with Dave Evans at Berkeley.)

I think the biggest takeaway so far is that there isn't one life waiting to be discovered and lived by me; in fact, there may be multiple lives that want to live through me.

It could appear a little haunting, but I'm trying to see it as freeing. I am totally the person who (as far as I can tell) was not made for a specific vocation. However, I am so used to thinking in terms of goals, teleology, and so this free-floating that is happening nowadays kind of freaks me out.

This blog is such a reflection of my life; I want to structure it, organize it, but that wouldn't be me. It won't let me rein it it. Simultaneously, I want to hide, and not show people my real self because I feel completely un-put together. But something keeps telling me to come back.

I am re-reading Big Magic, trying not to be freaked out by the question, "Do you have the courage to bring for this work [i.e., the creative life]? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes" (7).

I think I struggle more with faith than I do courage. It's not so much about bravery for me, I'm willing to do a lot of stupid things. But I do struggle to believe that there's a purpose for what I'm doing.

The hardest thing for me is to act on those still, tiny feelings when I don't have everything lined up in a row first.

Even with this blog, when I first re-launched it with my thirty day project, I had no idea where I was going, but when I completed it, I was pretty darn proud of what was unearthed.

Theo discovered a "treaded tractor" in the shadow of the couch plus some other random object that was there. 

In Designing Your Life, the authors explain how designers use prototypes, trying not to be too committed to one idea (and certainly not the first idea that comes up), and hoping that if it fails, that it fails fast so you can move to the next one.

I have been 99% consistent with once-weekly blog posts since the close of my thirty day project, and I think I'm ready to increase my output to two posts per week. Perhaps one of them will be the so-called scheduled type post that follows a more traditional pattern (e.g., kid updates, fun lists, photos, etc.) and the other will be open-ended (scary! wonderful!), as has been my wont.

(Does that just totally fit my personality or what? Rules and rule-breaking. Oh my gah I'm so predictable.)

The other random tidbit from the book is the difference between engineering and designing. The authors purport that when approaching your life from a design stance, you don't focus on the problems, but on the people. The best design is done with empathy and consideration for the people the designed thing will ultimately be for.

(Elizabeth, I'm totally all ears for your thoughts on design! :D)

So I'm trying to apply that to my life/blog. How can I design a life/blog that really serves me? What would that even look like?

I seriously have no idea.

---

(Can I blog about how writing this blog post about blogging - and the previous one too - made me feel 5238947329427 times better about my angst? This is so bizarre, and I'm trying to pay attention to this pattern. When I sat down to write today I was like, "I hate writing. I hate this stupid commitment I made to blogging. I don't want to write. All my ideas are stupid. I am such a contradiction. Everything I thought I wanted to say is mush. No one is making me do this except myself. I want to die." And then after I do it, I feel lighter. So weird. Okay, just had to share that.)

05. All quite comforting

Every day since this project began (i.e., these oh-so-dramatic last five days), I have had to resist the urge to begin every post by typing into the stratosphere, "I don't want to write. I don't want to write. I don't want to write." Liz Gilbert reminds me that it is simply boring to be a creative who complains about how frustrated she feels, because frustration is essential to the creative life. She also talks about how you don't have to be a creative and be a tormented, tragic person. It's all quite comforting.

A lot of what catapulted me into this project is the result of stewing and marinating in the cocktail that is reading Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. (Prior to last month I did not know there was a genre for "Creativity" on Amazon. And now for the last few weeks I've been talking David's head off about creativity and the creative process and I'm sure he's like, Yeah, I went to school for this. #arsepoetica)

What I'm taking away from Gilbert's book (besides everything, obviously) is that creative living is a marriage between discipline - the only thing you can control among talent, luck, and discipline - and inspiration. (I'm paraphrasing here, but: "If greatness were to find me, may it find me hard at work.")

Being creative is a gift bestowed on all of us; however, actually creating is a choice. I appreciated how Gilbert acknowledges that having (or making) time to create is a complete and total luxury, but that perhaps instead of seeing creative living as hedonistic, we can instead perceive and then thus receive the ability to create as a divine gift.



P.S. Thank you, Eunice, for introducing me to Overdrive for e-books and audiobooks. It took me about a year to actually try it out but I'm loving it now! And thank you, Christine, for recommending the audiobook version for Gilbert. Totally the perfect medium; except for when I'm driving and I need to pull aside to write down something amazing she said.