Against the current

Lately I've been feeling fried and scattered and not in my groove.

It helps to be reminded that I have a one- and three-year-old who for some reason just don't get that my goal every day is to feel on top of things. I stay at home so I should be able to get tons of housework and cooking done on the regular, right?

But really, with two rapscallions who love to undo everything I do, sometimes I wonder why I even try.

I am trying to remember to "capture the moments" that make it "all worth it" - the snuggles, the funny things they say, and even the mischievous looks and grins.

However, that can be hard during days (or weeks) when the bright moments seem outweighed by the hard moments - constant crying that cannot be mitigated or reasoned with, broken glass from a frame knocked off the shelf, middle-of-the-night wake ups (from the 3yo and not the baby, mind you), and the pain I feel in my lower back and hips from so much carrying of these thirty-five and twenty-pound lovely lumps.

The weather is still fluctuating here in the Pacific Northwest and spring has not yet decided that it's ready to pull off its winter covers. I wish my mood weren't so determined by the pattern of the sun and the clouds, that I had the strength to push through the grey and get my kids (and myself) out on days that are gloomy and wet.

On those dark days, I feel as though I'm swimming against the current.

I wrote a list of things to make sure I'm staying on top of the bare minimum self-care items, but I feel the need for even more yet, and I'm not sure what I can do. Is it just restlessness from a long winter?

(Practically, I'd love a project, or a class, or someone to do something with. If anyone else is in this same boat of needing to do something with someone, like a book club or other project, please let me know!)

I was telling a friend yesterday how vulnerable it feels to be as extroverted as I am, to feel like my threshold for friendship and social interaction greatly exceeds the reality of my current situation.

Though I'm eager to find a solution to the inquietude and my frequent feelings of loneliness, sometimes I wonder if it's good just to name it, that longing and yearning for something more. Being a very pragmatic person, I have a hard time sitting still in unsettling situations. In my heart I know there can be more (more community, more depth). But perhaps my call right now is to find peace in the midst of circumstances that refuse to change and that are as stubborn as is this Seattle winter.

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On a totally different note, here is a special peak into my W-E-I-R-D brain. We visited a different church last Sunday and when I was headed to the restroom, I passed a door that was labeled "Mop Room." Before I could help myself, my brain went to this random place. I wondered to myself, "What if, instead of being a 'Mop Room' it was actually the MOPS Room, and when you opened it, a bunch of Moms of Preschoolers popped up and yelled, 'Supplies!'"

I hope you're not too embarrassed to still be my friend.