06. Lighter and fluffier

I think after a few dark and abstract posts, it's time for something lighter, something you can literally sink your teeth into. Remember those chocolate muffins? I think I should finally tell you about them.

It all started with these blueberry muffins from King Arthur Flour.

The recipe is flat-out killer. It's something that actually tastes better because it's whole wheat, in the way that a bran muffin isn't just a healthy choice, but a delicious one. (Ahh, this is making me dream of extra foamy pint-glass lattes on the wrap-around deck at Cafe Strada, minus the textbooks.) The weight measurements provided in the recipe make it so that both prep and clean-up are very quick.

Since discovering them this spring, I've made these at least 4095843257834954 times, and on more than one occasion someone has told me, "I would pay you to make me a dozen."

The reason I've waited so long to post about them is because part of what takes these muffins to the next level is the use of liquid whey, which I understand not everyone has as easy access to as I do. My across-the-street neighbor and good friend, Valinda, regularly makes her own yogurt and is thus my Supplier of Whey. (She is that cool, and she is also so many other things on top of being a Supplier of Whey.)

Whey makes the lightest and fluffiest muffins you have ever had. Plus, whey is perfect fodder for all the chortle-inducing puns. I'll get out of your whey, or I'll be on my whey now!, I say to Valinda when I leave her house. Whey to go!, is what I should label the jar I bring to her home to be replenished.

I've since riffed off this recipe to make banana, carrot, and chocolate muffins. (The best is still blueberry, and chocolate is a very close second.) Yesterday when I set out to get rid of some CSA squash by making a spice muffin, I discovered that I had run out of whey and needed to find another way. So I used milk and it turned out decent. If whey makes an A+++ muffin, milk makes an A+. I think that's good enough to share with you guys. In fact, it's time to tell you guys.

In fact, it's 9:04.

Here's the link again. I would recommend trying the original first (that is, the blueberry), and then experimenting from there. I do cut the brown sugar to anywhere between 2/3-3/4 cup without a noticeable difference in the final taste. (It helps that I don't consider the cinnamon-sugar "optional" as the original recipe does.) For the chocolate version, I substitute the blueberry with 1 cup chocolate chips and 1/2 cup of cocoa powder. Then I top them with coarse sugar and flaky salt, like Maldon.

Finally, something that is inspiring to me.* (I am trying to have way more fun with creativity, to tune into what makes me happy, excited, and light.)

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*I literally am dropping that link here so I can get rid of one of 3294032859748392523 open tabs I have right now. #literally3294032859748392523

05. All quite comforting

Every day since this project began (i.e., these oh-so-dramatic last five days), I have had to resist the urge to begin every post by typing into the stratosphere, "I don't want to write. I don't want to write. I don't want to write." Liz Gilbert reminds me that it is simply boring to be a creative who complains about how frustrated she feels, because frustration is essential to the creative life. She also talks about how you don't have to be a creative and be a tormented, tragic person. It's all quite comforting.

A lot of what catapulted me into this project is the result of stewing and marinating in the cocktail that is reading Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. (Prior to last month I did not know there was a genre for "Creativity" on Amazon. And now for the last few weeks I've been talking David's head off about creativity and the creative process and I'm sure he's like, Yeah, I went to school for this. #arsepoetica)

What I'm taking away from Gilbert's book (besides everything, obviously) is that creative living is a marriage between discipline - the only thing you can control among talent, luck, and discipline - and inspiration. (I'm paraphrasing here, but: "If greatness were to find me, may it find me hard at work.")

Being creative is a gift bestowed on all of us; however, actually creating is a choice. I appreciated how Gilbert acknowledges that having (or making) time to create is a complete and total luxury, but that perhaps instead of seeing creative living as hedonistic, we can instead perceive and then thus receive the ability to create as a divine gift.



P.S. Thank you, Eunice, for introducing me to Overdrive for e-books and audiobooks. It took me about a year to actually try it out but I'm loving it now! And thank you, Christine, for recommending the audiobook version for Gilbert. Totally the perfect medium; except for when I'm driving and I need to pull aside to write down something amazing she said.

04. Before I am anything else

If you've read any Anne Lamott, you are likely familiar with her notion of "[crappy] first drafts." What compelled me most in that essay when I first read it as an 11th grader was the idea that when you're struggling with a blank page out of fear of your inner critic, you should tell your inner critic to be quiet until there's actually something to critique. I needed that humor, that absurdity, to push me past the potential to the real. And while I can definitely relate to this concept when it comes to writing - just making yourself get that first draft out - I am wondering if this principle relates to my project at large as well.

I don't think this project/experiment is simply about me writing; it's about me having the courage to claim that I'm a creative--- which is to say that I'm a person, and a person with agency, and therefore someone with vulnerability. Simply by declaring that I'd do something for thirty days and share it, I am saying that I'm going to be a crappy first draft, before I am anything else.

There are so many ways in which I have spent the last I don't know how many years hiding in my mind, analyzing, holding back, being reserved, hiding from my own inner critic. But what was there to critique if I didn't do anything? So I'm wrestling now with the possibility that the real, the broken, and the imperfect could be better than the theoretical.

And that scares the crap out of me.

03. Day three

Today is day three and it feels like what a day three probably feels like for anyone who makes some sort of commitment to a new habit. I imagine this is how people who give up sugar feel on day three.

I am not happy.

I don't know if it's coincidence or not, but today was an unreasonably hard day. I don't want to say anything else and also I just want to go to sleep, but I am here to put in my words.

Peace out.

02. Tangled

For the longest time I've wanted to do an anecdotal study of people who aren't on Facebook, but how would I reach Those People? How would I even call out to them?

I've never used Facebook for an extended period of time. I was required to finally get an account for campus ministry during my senior year of college in 2006. I think I hardly ever used it after that but didn't actually shut it down until after I had a smart phone for my job at which point it was too easy to scroll-scroll-scroll and it was "pointless" and I was barely connecting with people enough in real life so I didn't need more nonsense. (I found this old post where I deactivated, lol. And oops, I re-used the title recently.) Then I reactivated for the Known workshop last month but I've been able to not get sucked in. I think I need to first reply to the people who tried to message me before deactivating again. It's just not the place for me.

HOWEVER, I found Instagram a couple months ago and I was like, woah. It kind of scared me how hard I fell for it. (And I am so skeptical when I fall for something. 6.)

I still have yet to post anything to it. I feel so pressured by the medium, which is the message, yes? Maybe that's why I still love blogs; I can do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g I want here.

***

The picture above is a back-of-the-figurative-napkin calculation to figure out whether the Ziploc Storage Bag Variety Pack (currently on sale at Costco) is a good deal or not. I thought that maybe since I don't always need "Freezer" thickness, it might be more value. However, my quick and dirty calculations proved that even if the bags within were "Freezer" quality and purchased at the bulk (and on coupon) price at Costco, you would still be paying a premium for the "snack" sized bags in the variety pack, which are, as you know, smaller than the sandwich bags. Cute, but more expensive for less material. So just in case you ever wanted to know: it is cheaper (per unit) to just get the single-type (albeit all Freezer thickness) Ziploc bags at Costco.

(This is seriously what a nerd needs to do during precious naptime. I could have used that time for writing and have something way more profound to say now. But I did something that was me, and without over-thinking, I spent some time thinking. Yup.)

***

When I told my dad on the phone the other day that I have been meditating on the idea of not overthinking things and instead just DOING, he reflected back to me in his calm, logical manner, "So, you've been thinking a lot about not thinking?"

***

If you've ever been to my house and it's been clean it's because Kathy is a wizard. A cleaning goddess if you will. She has a magical talent whereby she can effortlessly clean a place. If she's feeling silly she'll say "bippity boppity boo" after she's done. The Tangled song "When will my life begin?" is her anthem.

I'd always asked her how she cleans with such ease. One time she just laughed and said, "I don't feel anything, I just do it. I'm numb." She probably didn't think much of it at the time but I latched onto that thought and meditated (there I go again) on that concept.

So often when I'm facing a task (e.g., cleaning the kitchen) I think way too much about the most efficient way to do it, instead of just diving in. And it takes way more time to try to process the process than to just do the process.

So a couple times since that conversation I've tried to "numb" myself and not think the thoughts or feel the feelings. I just do. (However, for this to work you have to numb yourself to the extent that you block out this thought: that by the time you're done cleaning there will be another mess.)

It's been awesome.

01. That notebook

Yesterday, our guest preacher Therin Fenner's opening metaphor was The Notebook of Middle School Girls circa 1997. You know, the spiral Mead notebook decoupaged with magazine cut-outs and the days' musings, which you would deposit in your friends' lockers? At one point I'm sure I had at least five of them going, each with a different friend. It didn't matter what I said, or how I said it; the point was just to write, and wait for her to write back.

That is the perfect metaphor for what I need right now.

I'm not ready for something like #The100DaysProject at the moment but I will attempt my own modification: writing and posting something here every day, for one month, weekends excluded. Without too much thinking or planning I'm going to dive in from today, August 8, 2016, to September 8, 2016. 

If you're lurking out there (I often see at least 15 page views on my posts), would you please drop a comment to let me know you're here? I hope you'll pass back the metaphorical notebook and let me know what you think today and in the next 30ish days. And if you want to jump in on your own creative venture, let me know about it as well!

***

Random (because random is the essence of The Notebook) thoughts on the picture above:

• Pictures at nighttime are considerably horrible. Other than obviously taking pictures in daylight, does anyone have simple/easy tips for pictures and/or even filters? I've been so low-tech in the last eight years that I feel slightly embarrassed to not know any of this. 
• "Just Start" is from Get To Work Book. It's the tear-out from January but I decided to use that with the August calendar taped onto it because it's just what I need. (I'm being creative!) Kathy was surprised to read that Enneagram 6's procrastinate. Oh boy, do we procrastinate. 
• I think all of my posts from the next month are going to mention something about me being the dreaded, horrible, tragic 6. You're probably going to want to vomit and/or stop reading my blog. So sorry. If you want to see into my soul, read this. 
• Yes, that is Eunice's beautiful calligraphy on my bulletin board.

#ohbrene, or, Day Zero

"There's no such thing as non-creative people. There are just people who use their creativity and people who don't. And unused creativity is not benign." -Brene Brown*

Hi!

It's the first Wednesday of August and I'm forcing myself to show up here again. When I mentioned a hiatus in my previous post, I had in mind that I'd be back in August. I need the discipline - or so I thought** - I need to show up. However the fact that I didn't say that publicly even though I knew the plan just goes to show how much I love to under-promise and over-deliver. I don't want to disappoint anyone, most of all me.

Last month I was part of an online writer's workshop. Intentionally engaging in the (a?) creative process for the first time in a long time was refreshing in the way that white water rafting is: that is to say, both nerve-wracking and exhilarating. During the ride I knew I would want to do it again, but only after a chance to dry off, warm up, and eat a huge meal.

I'm still reeling from everything I learned and everything that surfaced. And the experience of the workshop seemed to coincide with other creative ventures and conversations, so my head is swirling from ideas and inspirations as well as the many things for which I may need to see a therapist.

I feel like I'm on the precipice of something amazing and I don't know yet what that is, but I have a little feeling that it involves showing up here and writing more. I'm scared, though, to take those inspirations to intentions. I really didn't want this space to be about all that vulnerability crap (#brenebrownismyspiritanimal). I also need a space to be irreverent and irrelevant. But maybe it doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe I can just be authentic. I'm a little freaked out by this idea but I think I need to do it.

This feels like a common thread for me, and those of you who know me well are probably nodding your heads, like "yup, I think we've been here before with you, Lis." "Here" being this: being okay with the process, not merely obsessing over being processed.

Well, that wasn't as word-vomit-y as I thought this was going to be! Still, enough vulnerability hangover that I'm glad Kayla's making me nachos and a margarita tonight.


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* swiped from a podcast episode of Elizabeth Gilbert's, around 3:36
** Elizabeth Gilbert (I want to just call her Liz like she's my friend too) mentioned in the same podcast about how people think the most important thing they need is not discipline, but rather self-forgiveness and empathy. WHA?? (~18:03)