20. Anti-climactic?

In Better Than Before, Rubin talks about tailoring your rewards for your habits to your habit. Rather than sabotaging your goals by saying things like, "when I lose 10 pounds, I'll reward myself with a piece of chocolate cake" she suggests that you come up with rewards that encourage you to continue your habits. For example, in this case the reward could be nice exercise clothes that you love, or a new set of knives that make cooking at home easier. One company she referenced did something that made me chuckle. They rewarded employees who used the employee gym 75 times in a year with a free membership the following year. Your reward is more exercise!

I mention this because when I told David last night that I'd be finishing my project today we talked about what my reward should be. Without missing a beat, he said, "Your reward is five more blog posts!" It's true though, the best habits are when the reward is the habit itself. I have loved getting to write more, having an outlet that has nothing to do with my kids or with anything, with no pressures except myself. I have learned more about myself and I have increased my hope and energy for life.

So my reward for writing is that I'm going to write more. Anti-climactic, right? Or is it? (Cue ominous music.) Anyhoo, I'm still completely on the fence about whether I will write on the same schedule or less frequently. I am slightly freaked out that going to not-everyday will make me lose the habit. There are still other creative things I want to do, so I'll have to figure that out. For example, you've noticed I haven't posted many recipes lately because I've been writing, not cooking, duh. And you can't see my family because they've grown so thin from the lack of food around here.

My friend Christine has been one of my inspirations and I might try her pattern of either MWF or TTh. The main thing is carving out time for pursuing creative passions (and/or vocation/vacation and non-conformity) every single day. However much or little I post here, I'll plan to check-in in a month about how I feel about my new rhythm.

Writing and posting here shall be a sort of accountability that I'm keeping up with any and all of these things. Either way, thank you to all of you for following along on my journey and being a wonderfully supportive audience! I'll keep up with some regularity as best as I can.

I don't think I mentioned this quote from the podcast I praised so highly at the beginning of my project. Brown and Gilbert (ooh going to last names now to shake things up) propose changing the question, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" to "What would you do, even if you knew you might fail?" In other words, "What's worth doing even if I fail?" I think for me the answer to the question at least today, is just to keep trying, exploring, and being curious. Super broad and vague but I'm embracing that.

I'm very intrigued by the concept raised in Rubin's book, being a "data point of one," but nonetheless "a very convincing data point." The project I created here was so random, almost ex nihilo, but I am stunned by everything I discovered in pursuing this thirty day (but twenty posts) project.

So now that I've reached my goal, can I have some fruit tart?

19. Joy vs. gratitude

Remember how I told you that I had set a goal to wake up earlier every morning? Well, ever since reading Better Than Before I changed that goal from waking up at a certain time to flossing and brushing my teeth at 9 pm, with hardly any regard to a set bedtime or waketime. However, we've incidentally gone to bed earlier as a result, closer to 10:10 p.m. rather than anywhere between 10:40 and 11:30, and I think I'm getting up earlier and happier as well too! I think for the Questioner/Rebel that I am, I need to feel like I'm not being forced to sleep or wake up at a certain time; however, starting the wind-down process earlier just helps everything move along better.

Anyway, that is not what I am going to talk about today, but it is the perfect transition to what I want to say. Like my friend Kayla, being told that the secret to success in life is waking up early makes me want to punch someone in the face. I feel similarly when I hear people talk about doing a "gratitude journal." Honestly, when someone tells me to feel grateful, that is the LAST thing I want to do.

HOWEVER, thinking about things that make me feel joyful? For me that's totally different. Gratitude feels like an obligation, something I owe to someone. Joy, on the other hand, seems to focus, if somewhat selfishly, on the nature of being the recipient of a gift.

While some have argued that practicing gratitude leads to feeling joyful (and I'm loathe to disagree with the amazing, perfect, blessed Brené who argues this point), I want to take a risk here in positing the opposite: that focusing on your feelings of joy could also make you grateful.

This, granted, is different that pursuing pleasure for pleasure's sake, which we all know will not lead to a fulfilling life. Rather, I'm challenging the notion that when we feel sucky, trying to make ourselves feel better by focusing on the good sometimes just makes us feel more crappy. For example, when I had postpartum depression after my first baby, I constantly felt guilted by the fact that I was not happy even though I had a *really* easy baby, and even that I had a baby at all! (It goes without saying that there are so many women who desperately want children but can't have them, for various reasons.) I felt guilty for not being grateful enough, and really just not being enough, period.

My friend Maria was able to be with me during some of the early days of this and I remember her just hanging out with me and binge-watching shows on Netflix when the baby was napping. When she went back to New York, she texted me to check on me and to make sure that I had finished watching my "assigned" episodes for the day. Never before had I ever have let myself watch that much TV, but it was the one thing I could do, and being able to check it off my list kept me afloat.

Paying attention to moments of joy - no matter how minuscule - is like tuning into the grace that despite all the crap in life, my heart can feel glimpses of light amidst despair, even if they are just gentle whispers of hope, of possibility.

Maybe it's just a semantics thing. Perhaps what the experts are saying is that joy is a gift and that gratitude is an exercise/discipline. You practice the discipline, you receive the gift. You put your sail up (practicing gratitude) and then wind (experiencing joy) blows and moves you. Which, I get. But still, when you're down, who has the energy to put up a sail? Nonetheless, the wind is there, dare I say, the Spirit, and maybe if I can get still enough, I can feel it.

I've never actually done a gratitude journal before so maybe I shouldn't hate on it so much. What I have done is The Prayer of Examen (which is simply asking yourself these two questions: What moment today made me feel most alive? and, When did I feel most drained?). I've found it to be a powerful way to tune into how God made me and usually it helps me get a better focus on my calling/vocation. (If you're interested, I recommend the extremely accessible and very sweet, illustrated book Sleeping with Bread.) I guess my bent is that it's easier for me to focus on what makes me feel alive vs. what I feel grateful for.

I'm having a hard time writing and ending this post because it makes me feel so ungrateful to share that I don't like the feeling of feeling indebted to someone/something. This is reminding me of how the other day my son randomly said, "Thank you to my life", and I jokingly corrected him and told him to say, "Umma, thank you for my life." This may be depressing to read, but there are some days it's hard to be grateful that I've been given a life. But maybe Theo's version of saying "thank you to my life" is like taking ownership of your life. I can look for the moments of joy I already experienced rather than tediously trying to figure out what it was I'm supposed to be grateful for.

Sigh. What say you?



P.S. This post included my first two Amazon affiliate links! I'm not sure what will come of this or how long it will last but I'm following last month's mantra of "Just Start!" Also, not fully sure how to handle disclosures. Molly?

P.P.S. A few other habit-related things I've done since reading BTB: (1) Turned off "badges" on my Mail app so I can't see when I have new e-mails on my phone, thus mostly relegating e-mail to a few designated times throughout the day, (2) Only scroll Instragram once a day, usually first thing in the morning before I get out of bed, another reason to wake up "early", (3) if I see something that needs to be put away, just do it (I'm improving from doing this 3% of the time to maybe 15% of the time; still needs a TON of work, but I'm trying).

18. The secret sauce

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." 

--Ecclesiastes 11:1

As part of my Konmari spiritual awakening, I'd decided to not let myself have more than one back-up of everything we buy at Costco (e.g, napkins, Clorox wipes, Ziploc bags), even when they go on sale. I used to buy two or three of things when they were on coupon, in case I needed them before the next sale happened. (I'm sure it's all a part of their strategy to have sales at different rates/frequencies to increase your feeling of scarcity.)

My defense was that we'd need those things anyway, and since inflation possibly outpaces interest rates, toilet paper might - from a strictly financial point of view - be a better investment than cold, hard cash in our checking account...?!?!?

But when I started seriously considering the things that made me happy, having a calm and uncrowded house was more important to me than the $2-3 I might save each time I bought something on sale. Also, it was starting to get really packed in our garage (still is) and sometimes I honestly can't find stuff I know we have. Less frustration > saving money ==> sanity > money

I'm definitely grateful for the scrimp-and-save mentality I learned from my immigrant parents, but I'm now nonetheless enjoying experimenting with that in my life.

In a real emergency, being stocked up on things is not going to save me, right?

And if I can be more present and more alive by having less stuff and being less worried, I'll be free to create and generate more whether it be financial or otherwise.

A crazy (to me) example of how this played our recently was with this marinara sauce I discovered at Costco sometime last fall, called Victoria White Linen. We usually make our own sauce but this stuff was good: Old World style and with few ingredients. After trying and loving it, we stocked up and got eight 40 oz (!) jars. I freely cooked with my supply until I stopped seeing it at Costco. I thought it was so bizarre that it disappeared right after it had been promoted. I loved the sauce so much I almost wrote Costco.

For a while I stopped using my precious remaining jars. I was like a crazy Depression lady.

Then, after recently doing Konmari, I thought, This is stupid. (Not as stupid as Costco discontinuing the sauce, but still stupid.) I started using the sauce, even as an act of faith. Faith that there'd be enough. Faith that I could enjoy the sauce and faith that there was enough hope, peace, and resilience in me even if there would eventually be no more sauce.

We enjoyed and savored it, and slowly whittled down our stash to one last jar.

And then just yesterday we were wandering around Costco and to our astonishment we saw it! The people around me must have thought I was a little crazy when I reached out as though seeing an old friend, squealing "Victoria!"

My habits are changing and I'm so glad I didn't waste any of my own precious time mentally complaining about why Costco discontinued the sauce or fearing we'd run out of something good.

And now, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I am the secret sauce.

17. Keep pedalling

"Habits are a great servant but a bad master" -- Gretchen Rubin's take on Francis Bacon

I suggested on Day 15 that I might wrap up this project when my original commitment comes to a close, but since starting Gretchen Rubin's book about habits on Day 13, I've wondered if giving myself permission to drop this habit will be to my detriment.

It's always a question of balance, of how you achieve the maximum amount of fulfillment with the least amount of effort, as well as having enough but not too much. Have I gotten out of this project what I want? What should I hold on to and what do I need to let go of so I can move on to other things?

When I began my 30 days of blogging (i.e., 20 posts when I give myself weekends off; I know that's confusing, but I made up the rules, and hey, if that was an awkward mistake, I learned something by doing something), I didn't necessarily see it as trying out a habit. But I have come to see that it has very much functioned as a habit; making a decision that removes the decision-making process out of it. I don't have to ask, "Do I feel like writing today?" "Is what I wrote 'good enough' to be posted today?" Nope. That decision has already been made. I'm going to write, I'm going to post.

It's been incredibly freeing.



P.S. Another housekeeping note. I'm realizing that my replies to your comments don't necessarily go to you unless you subscribe to be notified of all comments, and that seems a bit excessive. I've thus been a bit lame about replying in recent days, even though I'd like to be the type of person who responds to all the comments. This might mean I need to figure out another way, or to overhaul the system, or to just text/email you personally if you comment. I just wanted to let you know that I'm aware of the issue and I am thinking about a solution.

16. Creative and secure

It's time for something light and fluffy again.

The other day I was trying to figure out a way to attach my phone to my person during walks because I notice that when I carry it in my hand, the ever-so-slight force from walking eventually wears on my elbow joint.

I didn't want to buy anything so I found this cool hack. I tried it around the house for a little but I still wanted something that was a little more balanced (I felt weird having a weight on one arm and was also nervous about it falling into places I didn't want it to fall into, you can guess what I mean). My mind went to the idea of a shoulder holster like they have in police dramas, so I googled it and found this. Super awkward. Also, I had seen the belt idea but I wondered why everyone just thought it cool and yet no one is ready to equate fanny pack with "cool." (In the words of my friend Kayla, "seems weird to me.")

Anyway so if someone wants to come up with a creative, secure, non-dorky, and symmetric way of carrying a phone around, I'm all ears!

P.S. This photo is for the previous post's postscript re: time spent earning money for our kids is time away from our kids.*

"Free" entertainment that I don't have to clean up after!

Ironically, we had to pay $800 for this dirt pile. The maple tree above has been sending its roots into our main line for years, probably from even before we bought the house. Not only did we have to pay that steep bill for the plumber to clean up the line, but in order to get that discounted price (!), David had to provide the labor of digging out to the baffle to our septic. (I was "baffled" when the plumber tried to explain all this to me.)

Not looking forward to having to say goodbye to that maple soon.

_____________________
*The classic book Your Money or Your Life is an interesting philosophical read that enlightened me to the concept of "making a dying" and the idea that we often see work in opposition to a future sense of retirement/"vacation", to the severe detriment of our every day life. I notice there are vestiges of this in my life; things I hold onto because I think of my life as dying rather than really living. Letting go of these things (literally and figuratively) has been part of this spiritual awakening. Hmm, I'm 16 posts in and haven't yet talked about scarcity vs. abundance mentalities.

15. Everything and nothing

Today I have everything and nothing to say.

I'm starting to get to the point where I want to be done with this project so I can reboot with a new one. At the same time, I am wondering what principles I should carry into the next project, because I think there are some valuable aspects, such as the aspect of accountability through publicly declaring a project. May it never be said of me that I don't follow through on my commitments. (Oof, what does that say about me?)

One of the major concepts I'm experiencing within this project is Einstein's tactic of "combinatory play," which I first heard referenced in Liz Gilbert's Big Magic. It's the notion that when you're stuck, engaging yourself in some other way and might help you get unstuck. This could be something simple like going for a walk, or it could be taking up a different artistic hobby.

"I don't sweat the small stuff. Instead, I lump it together with the big and medium things so I can have a major breakdown instead." --Abbyhasissues.com

I don't think I realized how stuck I was in life and in general until I painted our bed white earlier this year, which led to us doing the The Purge, which gave me the mental capacity and energy to sign up for a writer's workshop, which led me to authors and to Inspiration, which led me to this project, which I already feel is leading me to a lot of other paths of unstuckness.

In fact, the subject of my first workshop essay was the painting of our originally black bed. One day after Kathy helped me tidy up our room I was inspired to get rid of the darkness once and for all. (Our room gets the most light in the house and yet it was so depressing because of our black furniture. No bueno in a very grey city.) I wrote about how I just dove in without much prep or planning but that just doing it was way better than not. And now, six months later, I see that that little step - done but not perfect - made a huge impact on how I'm feeling today. It's a lesson for me, to consider the things that are bothering me the most in my life - even if they may seem like insignificant things - and do something to change it, without being afraid to mess up.

This, too, is related to the idea mentioned before of creating your vocation/vacation. As well as the idea of not only being your own best friend, but also being your own therapist. I need to engage myself, ask myself what's bothering me, what do I want my life to look like, and how do I get there.

***

Random: One possible negative of my meditating on thoughts of creativity and non-conformity is that I'm starting to question a lot of the rules I impose on my kids. I try to give choices as many times as I can throughout the day, although obviously they are bounded choices. "I am their mom, not a cruise director." (I can't stop chuckling at that. I also can't figure out who said that first. Someone thought Tina Fey, which sounds right, but I can't prove it on the Internetz so it's not verified.) So I'm going to not let the possible paradigm shifts steer me too much; my sanity is more important than that, for the time being. My kids shall keep conforming to the conventions I set for them, says this mom, aka the benevolent dictator.

***

P.S. A few of you have asked how having kids affects my perspective on decluttering/simplicity. I definitely think it feels hard to get rid of things that I think *might* benefit my kid (one day), but in the bigger picture, but I'm learning that having less stuff to tidy or less stuff to make sure my kids aren't getting hurt on ends up freeing me up to have more time and energy for my kids, which is a good thing. See this article from a slightly different angle that I think makes the same argument.

P.P.S. FYI I brushed up on the recipe page a bit and it's more comprehensive now. Food is another way of engaging "combinatory play" - I need to make and post more recipes!

14. Anything, but not everything

'

"You can do anything, but not everything." -- David Allen

This quote grounds Ali Wong's rant against feminism. I don't want everything. And I especially don't want to feel like I'm expected to want everything. But I do want to figure out what is important to me and live that out fully.

Peace out, friends!

P.S. I started Amy Poehler's Yes, Please and love it. (Also, that is how I responded to David's proposal.) 

P.P.S. Kayla, if you want to get a head start on the next book I'm dying to read but that is still on my hold list, it's Essentialism by Greg Keown.

13. Mindfully, then mindlessly

I started a new book with serendipitous resonances to what I've been thinking about: Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before. I'm only a few chapters in but I love how she dives right into some very compelling points. She posits that a habit becomes something you have already decided, which takes the decision-making - and thus the dependence upon self-control - out of the equation. It's mindful, and then it's mindless. Or numbing.

I bought and started the above-pictured habit tracker in the beginning of July, and chose "get up before the kids" in preparation for my writing workshop, knowing that I'd need to build more time into my day. I am so far from being a morning person that I made this mini-goal of waking up only 25 minutes before I have to get Emilyn up. Of course, when I started this, both kids started waking up on their own way earlier than my goal. Little stinkers. Fortunately, it got better quickly.

I love showing up early for everything else in my life (early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable), and yet it's so hard for me to show up early for my life. Does anyone have tips for waking up early? I want more for myself but I still feel like death whenever the alarm clock rings.*

Of course the other goal/habit has been this project of blogging almost-daily. At first it was a leap; it was really hard the first few days, and then it got way better. I didn't even notice that the agony/anguish has been reduced significantly until I was telling a friend about it yesterday. (Yup, looking back, I was experiencing peak anguish on days three and five.) Once I decided, the decision-making was no longer taking up energy.

What habits have you successfully added to your life / would you like to start?

_____________
* Since drafting this post earlier this afternoon, I read far enough into Rubin's book to see that she recommends working within the "type" of person you are when developing habits; the first designation listed is owl/lark. Ha! (As I finish revising to post at 10:25 p.m...) And, yes, I do realize that waking up even at 7:20 is not considered very early to many people.

P.S. Also, just did reverse meal planning. Mind blown. Perfect for us rebels!

12. Finding your vacation

My favorite non-conformists.

"It is fun to have fun but you have to know how." --The Cat in the Hat

When I was at Berkeley I took a deCal (extracurricular course) called "Finding Your Vocation," taught by a Dave Evans, whom I now see is at Stanford (almost typed something different but then thought better of it, Alex). We were provided a lot of interesting readings but the thing I have not forgotten is from the first day when everyone went around and shared why they signed up for the class. No joke, after half the group had shared, one girl said, "Oh my gosh. I thought this class was called 'Finding your vacation.'" The collective embarrassment felt in the room for her was visceral.

Today, however, I am starting to see the convergence between vocation/vacation.

Super convoluted but here goes: The process of decluttering our home ala KonMari precipitated a ruthless examination of my life/mind/spirit/psyche. Every segment we did was really dreadful but then at the end we could stand back and feel so happy. Now that we've completed a significant amount, I look at different sections of our house that have been Konmari'd, feel giddy, and think, "This is our vacation home." (David, I was tempted to insert a parenthetical "becoming." Lolz.)

The paradigm shift for me was "Why can't our home be our vacation home?" When I think about vacation, the aspect I love most about it is not sightseeing or going out and doing things, but lounging around with nothing to do and without many of my possessions around me, save for the things needed to cook a yummy meal, and maybe a book or two.

In The Art of Non-Conformity (I'm on the last hour of the audiobook now), Guillebeau also suggests the exercise of writing out what your ideal day would look like. I need to do that soon and figure out how to bring alignment between my current reality and my ideal reality. It is probably going to involve figuring out how I can go swimming more often. (Christine, why aren't we neighbors?)

I think I've been waiting for my vocation to drop in my lap from the sky; now I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I can take the bull by the horns and create/curate my life/home into my vocation/vacation.

***

This recent joy of creativity has been a life saver for me. After a long season of feeling socially, mentally, and spiritually dry, I'm tucking "creativity" away as a tool I need to remember when I'm feeling stuck. I love the phrase "your childhood solutions become your adult problems" (HT: Carol Johnston of First Pres Berkeley Stephen Ministry fame). I think what it's saying to me now is that there's a good and valid reason why we may do things for a long spell or season. But when it stops working, you can move on and figure out something else. My old ways of seeing and knowing God and understanding the world, and the church, and so many other things? Just because they aren't working doesn't mean God isn't there. (Ohhhhhhhh I'm getting to that deep stuff. And I'm gonna stop here before I cry. #toolate What a friggin' long grieving process this is.)

If I remove the scaffolding of fears I have set up for myself, will faith be there to catch me?

***

So tell me, what is your ideal vocation/vacation?

11. The weakest/strongest thing I could be

One concept I've been taking to heart since my writing workshop in July is having a notebook for all the ideas that come to mind or things I observe in my day, as a way of "catching creativity by its tail." I used to do this a long time ago. At one point in college I had a small unlined Moleskine with one-line poems and even a taped-in snowflake I had made out of weigh paper from chem lab. (Molly, I'm currently weighing my options for puns on the word "tare". See what I did there? Elizabeth, I am remembering the many vellum notes and other arch-y gifts I received from you.)

I may have accidentally Konmari'd all my physical notebooks (oops) so I have yet to come up with a happy place to put all my thoughts (plus I love my planner but sometimes feel frustrated with having multiple paper notebooks on my desk). For now I'm gathering thoughts on my phone because I almost always have it on me. (Except when I'm asking "where is my phone?", which happens 2394082343209 times a day. #literally)

Yes I'm an old person who needs the extra-large font.

***

I can't remember where I first heard of this concept but it popped into my head again this morning, the notion of "being one's own best friend." I feel like that's not a message I heard growing up but could have really used since, especially when I first moved to the PNW. Even if I had heard it, I probably would have scoffed at that; that's for losers, I'd have thought.

And yet: Liz and Brene (about time I drop those last names, eh?) talk in the aforementioned Episode 12 about how we are quick to offer compassion to others but more hesitant with ourselves, but what makes you so special that you think you don't deserve compassion? (They then go on to talk about the "narcissism of depression." Oof.)

I'm totally that person who always needs at least one best friend and I've been lucky to have many best friends throughout my life.* So it totally depressed me when we moved to a new place that I thought was cool and easy and no one wanted to be friends, period. I hate to consider that this all happened so that I could learn to be my own best friend. (Insert gagging sounds.) It seems simultaneously weak and the strongest thing you could do/be.

So in a way, this project, as it unfolds, is kind of also a "that notebook" with myself. Letters to myself that are evidence someone wants to talk to me, whether or not you readers are here for the ride, which I'm glad that you are.

________________
*I've also since snagged an extraordinary husband who is now forced to be my best friend for life. (Channeling Ali here. We're already on a first-name basis, after only one previous blog mention.)

P.S. Remember how I mentioned my neo(?)-Ludditism in previous posts? I feel like I fell off the edge of the Internet when Google Reader died. How did the rest of you survive? I still don't think I can recover from that. RIP, GR.

10. Do the impossible

Halfway there. Is this what it feels like to run a marathon? I am so proud of myself for my accomplishments and yet I also cannot wait for this to be over. (Well, not exactly. I do feel like there's something about this discipline I want to continue; I just mean that I can't wait to reach and complete my goal. I am a compulsive goal-reacher.)

“You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible — oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.” —Tina Fey

I have been super encouraged by so many of you sharing your thoughts via comments, emails, or even text messages. So grateful for my community that is meeting me where I'm at. I leaped, and the net appeared.

I've written a lot already ("a lot" is relative, of course) but I continue to feel that I'm dancing around the edges of what I really need to say. Yes, maybe there are "vulnerable" and "real" things I will get to eventually - the deeper you go, the more universal you get? - but I also want to exercise the concept of embracing where I am, even if it's not where I think I ought to be.

One of the things that I keep coming up against in my personal meta-dialogue (and there is SO MUCH meta-dialogue) is the idea that I have nothing new to say, and that people have already had these thoughts (if I would just Google), and worse, the people who have said these things are half my age and therefore how juvenile and behind-the-times I am.

When I started this project I was fueled by the words and voice of Elizabeth Gilbert, telling me that it doesn't matter what people think; or, even if you let those voices speak, what are you going to do, just nothing? The last thing I want to do is live my life a victim.

I wonder if part of the struggle is not just my 6-ness, but also my Asian American-ness. The whole idea of saying "I am _____" and filling in the blank is utterly terrifying. I am so many things and I don't know which is more scary: to name and settle on one thing, or to live in the undefined.

Philosophical question of the day: Do you get to decide the genre of your life?

***

The more I write and the more I read, the more I find things that are exactly what I'm thinking about. (Even Liz Gilbert mentions this in her book; she describes this as the universe giving you signs, portents; this is what I felt before Day Zero, and why I decided to keep going forward, even though it was scary and unknown.)

I am referring now to the wonderful, glorious, beautiful thoughts in Fault in Our Stars, and the nerdy, stick-it-to-The-Man-ness of The Art of Non-Conformity. I mentioned starting these books on Friday and have finished the first and am 80% through the other. Guillebeau mentions that sometimes deferred gratification can be a sort of life avoidance - saving up for a better future vs. enjoying life now. This balance (the fact that this paradox even exists) is exactly related to: (1) my thoughts on choosing sanity over money, (2) a lot of things about Konmari (editing your life and making joy out of what you have by getting rid of things you held on for a reason that was probably good at one point; living your best life now without over-focusing on the past or the future, and all this definitely needs its own post), and (3) my thoughts/reflections on the principles of Mr. Money Mustache (also probably another post). Going. to. explode.

***

I don't know where this fits so I'm just going to plop it here:

I have a history/pattern of ignoring my gut, which is, admittedly, yet another Enneagram 6 issue. I make decisions by fighting between my head and my heart, but the engagement of my gut is underdeveloped. (Except the food-eating type of gut. No issue there. I try to find the good food in every situation.)

***

Speaking of food, this:



Theo got this baby eggplant from our church's community garden yesterday. Today, out of nowhere, he went to his bookshelf and grabbed this book to show me a "match" between his eggplant and the book. We seriously hadn't read this book in months. I love how he inherited my crazy random associative memory. Insert heart eyes emoji.

09. Undone

Part of me wants to more closely examine what is sustaining this recent influx of creative energy, but the other part is embarrassed about what it's (I'm?) most likely going to find, because it's most likely The Internets. Like, really? So lame.

I guess this is really a humble brag. Because I am such an ideation and input person, I'd chosen for the longest time to resist/minimize technology lest it overtake my life. Also, six years ago when we first moved to a new city, I thought that instead of spending time on technology I would actually go and MEET PEOPLE, what a novel concept. That really didn't work so well. I don't know if it's me or the city but it's still hard to make friends here.

Surprisingly (that's a euphemism for depressingly), in recent months of dipping my toes into the waters of the aforementioned internets, I've found a lot of interesting and energizing ideas. Nursing has provided me hours of inspiration through e-books or Instagram, and I've been consuming podcasts and audiobooks while cleaning/folding laundry/walking. I have yet to be swept up into the ocean, although there are moments I still fear drowning.

(Sidebar: I recently heard two (and two is therefore ALL) super creative people mention that they love the internet because they are introverts and it allows them to feel connected without having to do it in person. I cocked my head in confusion when I heard that. I'm here on the other side as an extrovert saying, ohmygoodnesspleasebemyfriendi'llmakeyouanythingyouwanttoeatandwecanhangoutforever and youshouldprobablybringyourtoothbrushsoyoucanspendthenight and no one wants to be my friend! Okay, maybe not no one but sometimes it really feels that way. I sincerely apologize to the many people currently in my life who are being super gracious with me and extending friendship to me. End mini-rant.)

(And also. I should have made an analogy in my other post about wanting to gather/survey all the non-Facebookers. Instead of "Introverts unite! Separately, in your own home", I need something like, "non-Facebookers, come connect with me... on Xanga?")

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... Maybe that I'm disappointed that I initially chose to minimize engagement with and reliance upon technology in pursuit of Greater Fulfillment, but that in this point of my life, the internet seems to be a great tool in helping me achieve my goals?

Part of why I made a project out of blogging is not because I'm an introvert (I'm not) and I need to hide behind my computer but because I'm an external processor and I need to get my thoughts and feelings out so that I can feel normal. (And because David doesn't have all day to listen to be ramble, and because Kathy is going to hit me over the head if I mention the word "creativity" one more time.)

***

I'm thinking about the relationship between discipline and freedom (and my mind drifts back to Richard Foster, ah). Today I randomly recalled a quote I heard on a podcast episode where Robin Long shared one of her mantras, "Do the thing you need to do, to feel the way you want to feel." I love that; I think it encapsulates adulthood, which I'm finally starting to own (good thing, bad thing?), in the best sense. Yes, adults have to do lots of hard things, things we may not feel like doing. But adults have the power and freedom to pursue their own joy and happiness, too. Now if only I could figure out 1) what I need to do, and 2) how I want to feel. #youngersibling #enneagram6

So that's what I'm thinking about today, as I process and express myself like an angsty teenager would.

***

Also, currently: reading The Fault in Our Stars and listening to The Art of Non-Conformity.

Aaand, two diagrams that writing this post made me think of doing: 1) listing all the forms of communication/connection I prefer and in what order; 2) making a matrix of all my friends, local and long-distance, with their levels of introversion-extraversion and other personality traits.

So... leave a comment and sign off with your Myers-Briggs for me?



Housekeeping note: I started this post yesterday and am finishing today. I'm going to give myself grace and not make up an extra post. (Plus, the fact that I jumped around to a million different topics should count for something, right?) I think I will just keep plugging along until I've done 20 posts, somewhat following the month-long minus the weekends rule that I set up for myself in the beginning.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

--Walt Whitman

... 

(That ellipses there is supposed to signify that what comes after this parenthetical is like the secret track when you let your CD keep playing. Remember those?)

Okay, I really need to hit Publish, but I just found this: have you heard of quietism before?

08. Done

Eep! I almost forgot to post. I'm going to cheat and you're just going to get some platitudes today (as though you haven't been getting them before?).

1. You can't put a price tag on sanity. (This is an addendum to yesterday's post.)
2. Done is better than good.

And now, to quote the magnificent* Ali Wong, "I don't want to 'lean in'; I just want to lay down."

Goodnight! and Gilmore Guys podcast!

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* She is definitely a little (a lot) vulgar and uncouth for my taste, but I loved a lot of what she had to say. View at your own discretion?

07. (In)sanity

Is the intersection creativity?

Applying the Konmari method to our house has revealed many things to me about myself, but one of the things is the way in which I have settled for cheaper options to save money in the short term, using the principle of "the time value of money" as my justification. I had an "ah-ha" moment a couple of years ago when we had to buy a new dishwasher and I almost picked a $450 one vs. a $499 one, even though I hated the placement of the utensil rack in the cheaper machine. Kenny was there with us, and he asked me, "Lisa, do you want to compromise every. single. day?" Well, when you put it that way...

How do you quantify the worth of your sanity?

I came up with this thought a couple weeks ago and wrote it on the chalkboard above my desk.

But lately I've been thinking that I need to change that to "don't overvalue money or time; don't undervalue SANITY."

What do you think? Is anything I'm saying making sense to you guys? Or have I already lost my sanity??!?!

06. Lighter and fluffier

I think after a few dark and abstract posts, it's time for something lighter, something you can literally sink your teeth into. Remember those chocolate muffins? I think I should finally tell you about them.

It all started with these blueberry muffins from King Arthur Flour.

The recipe is flat-out killer. It's something that actually tastes better because it's whole wheat, in the way that a bran muffin isn't just a healthy choice, but a delicious one. (Ahh, this is making me dream of extra foamy pint-glass lattes on the wrap-around deck at Cafe Strada, minus the textbooks.) The weight measurements provided in the recipe make it so that both prep and clean-up are very quick.

Since discovering them this spring, I've made these at least 4095843257834954 times, and on more than one occasion someone has told me, "I would pay you to make me a dozen."

The reason I've waited so long to post about them is because part of what takes these muffins to the next level is the use of liquid whey, which I understand not everyone has as easy access to as I do. My across-the-street neighbor and good friend, Valinda, regularly makes her own yogurt and is thus my Supplier of Whey. (She is that cool, and she is also so many other things on top of being a Supplier of Whey.)

Whey makes the lightest and fluffiest muffins you have ever had. Plus, whey is perfect fodder for all the chortle-inducing puns. I'll get out of your whey, or I'll be on my whey now!, I say to Valinda when I leave her house. Whey to go!, is what I should label the jar I bring to her home to be replenished.

I've since riffed off this recipe to make banana, carrot, and chocolate muffins. (The best is still blueberry, and chocolate is a very close second.) Yesterday when I set out to get rid of some CSA squash by making a spice muffin, I discovered that I had run out of whey and needed to find another way. So I used milk and it turned out decent. If whey makes an A+++ muffin, milk makes an A+. I think that's good enough to share with you guys. In fact, it's time to tell you guys.

In fact, it's 9:04.

Here's the link again. I would recommend trying the original first (that is, the blueberry), and then experimenting from there. I do cut the brown sugar to anywhere between 2/3-3/4 cup without a noticeable difference in the final taste. (It helps that I don't consider the cinnamon-sugar "optional" as the original recipe does.) For the chocolate version, I substitute the blueberry with 1 cup chocolate chips and 1/2 cup of cocoa powder. Then I top them with coarse sugar and flaky salt, like Maldon.

Finally, something that is inspiring to me.* (I am trying to have way more fun with creativity, to tune into what makes me happy, excited, and light.)

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*I literally am dropping that link here so I can get rid of one of 3294032859748392523 open tabs I have right now. #literally3294032859748392523

05. All quite comforting

Every day since this project began (i.e., these oh-so-dramatic last five days), I have had to resist the urge to begin every post by typing into the stratosphere, "I don't want to write. I don't want to write. I don't want to write." Liz Gilbert reminds me that it is simply boring to be a creative who complains about how frustrated she feels, because frustration is essential to the creative life. She also talks about how you don't have to be a creative and be a tormented, tragic person. It's all quite comforting.

A lot of what catapulted me into this project is the result of stewing and marinating in the cocktail that is reading Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. (Prior to last month I did not know there was a genre for "Creativity" on Amazon. And now for the last few weeks I've been talking David's head off about creativity and the creative process and I'm sure he's like, Yeah, I went to school for this. #arsepoetica)

What I'm taking away from Gilbert's book (besides everything, obviously) is that creative living is a marriage between discipline - the only thing you can control among talent, luck, and discipline - and inspiration. (I'm paraphrasing here, but: "If greatness were to find me, may it find me hard at work.")

Being creative is a gift bestowed on all of us; however, actually creating is a choice. I appreciated how Gilbert acknowledges that having (or making) time to create is a complete and total luxury, but that perhaps instead of seeing creative living as hedonistic, we can instead perceive and then thus receive the ability to create as a divine gift.



P.S. Thank you, Eunice, for introducing me to Overdrive for e-books and audiobooks. It took me about a year to actually try it out but I'm loving it now! And thank you, Christine, for recommending the audiobook version for Gilbert. Totally the perfect medium; except for when I'm driving and I need to pull aside to write down something amazing she said.

04. Before I am anything else

If you've read any Anne Lamott, you are likely familiar with her notion of "[crappy] first drafts." What compelled me most in that essay when I first read it as an 11th grader was the idea that when you're struggling with a blank page out of fear of your inner critic, you should tell your inner critic to be quiet until there's actually something to critique. I needed that humor, that absurdity, to push me past the potential to the real. And while I can definitely relate to this concept when it comes to writing - just making yourself get that first draft out - I am wondering if this principle relates to my project at large as well.

I don't think this project/experiment is simply about me writing; it's about me having the courage to claim that I'm a creative--- which is to say that I'm a person, and a person with agency, and therefore someone with vulnerability. Simply by declaring that I'd do something for thirty days and share it, I am saying that I'm going to be a crappy first draft, before I am anything else.

There are so many ways in which I have spent the last I don't know how many years hiding in my mind, analyzing, holding back, being reserved, hiding from my own inner critic. But what was there to critique if I didn't do anything? So I'm wrestling now with the possibility that the real, the broken, and the imperfect could be better than the theoretical.

And that scares the crap out of me.

03. Day three

Today is day three and it feels like what a day three probably feels like for anyone who makes some sort of commitment to a new habit. I imagine this is how people who give up sugar feel on day three.

I am not happy.

I don't know if it's coincidence or not, but today was an unreasonably hard day. I don't want to say anything else and also I just want to go to sleep, but I am here to put in my words.

Peace out.

02. Tangled

For the longest time I've wanted to do an anecdotal study of people who aren't on Facebook, but how would I reach Those People? How would I even call out to them?

I've never used Facebook for an extended period of time. I was required to finally get an account for campus ministry during my senior year of college in 2006. I think I hardly ever used it after that but didn't actually shut it down until after I had a smart phone for my job at which point it was too easy to scroll-scroll-scroll and it was "pointless" and I was barely connecting with people enough in real life so I didn't need more nonsense. (I found this old post where I deactivated, lol. And oops, I re-used the title recently.) Then I reactivated for the Known workshop last month but I've been able to not get sucked in. I think I need to first reply to the people who tried to message me before deactivating again. It's just not the place for me.

HOWEVER, I found Instagram a couple months ago and I was like, woah. It kind of scared me how hard I fell for it. (And I am so skeptical when I fall for something. 6.)

I still have yet to post anything to it. I feel so pressured by the medium, which is the message, yes? Maybe that's why I still love blogs; I can do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g I want here.

***

The picture above is a back-of-the-figurative-napkin calculation to figure out whether the Ziploc Storage Bag Variety Pack (currently on sale at Costco) is a good deal or not. I thought that maybe since I don't always need "Freezer" thickness, it might be more value. However, my quick and dirty calculations proved that even if the bags within were "Freezer" quality and purchased at the bulk (and on coupon) price at Costco, you would still be paying a premium for the "snack" sized bags in the variety pack, which are, as you know, smaller than the sandwich bags. Cute, but more expensive for less material. So just in case you ever wanted to know: it is cheaper (per unit) to just get the single-type (albeit all Freezer thickness) Ziploc bags at Costco.

(This is seriously what a nerd needs to do during precious naptime. I could have used that time for writing and have something way more profound to say now. But I did something that was me, and without over-thinking, I spent some time thinking. Yup.)

***

When I told my dad on the phone the other day that I have been meditating on the idea of not overthinking things and instead just DOING, he reflected back to me in his calm, logical manner, "So, you've been thinking a lot about not thinking?"

***

If you've ever been to my house and it's been clean it's because Kathy is a wizard. A cleaning goddess if you will. She has a magical talent whereby she can effortlessly clean a place. If she's feeling silly she'll say "bippity boppity boo" after she's done. The Tangled song "When will my life begin?" is her anthem.

I'd always asked her how she cleans with such ease. One time she just laughed and said, "I don't feel anything, I just do it. I'm numb." She probably didn't think much of it at the time but I latched onto that thought and meditated (there I go again) on that concept.

So often when I'm facing a task (e.g., cleaning the kitchen) I think way too much about the most efficient way to do it, instead of just diving in. And it takes way more time to try to process the process than to just do the process.

So a couple times since that conversation I've tried to "numb" myself and not think the thoughts or feel the feelings. I just do. (However, for this to work you have to numb yourself to the extent that you block out this thought: that by the time you're done cleaning there will be another mess.)

It's been awesome.

01. That notebook

Yesterday, our guest preacher Therin Fenner's opening metaphor was The Notebook of Middle School Girls circa 1997. You know, the spiral Mead notebook decoupaged with magazine cut-outs and the days' musings, which you would deposit in your friends' lockers? At one point I'm sure I had at least five of them going, each with a different friend. It didn't matter what I said, or how I said it; the point was just to write, and wait for her to write back.

That is the perfect metaphor for what I need right now.

I'm not ready for something like #The100DaysProject at the moment but I will attempt my own modification: writing and posting something here every day, for one month, weekends excluded. Without too much thinking or planning I'm going to dive in from today, August 8, 2016, to September 8, 2016. 

If you're lurking out there (I often see at least 15 page views on my posts), would you please drop a comment to let me know you're here? I hope you'll pass back the metaphorical notebook and let me know what you think today and in the next 30ish days. And if you want to jump in on your own creative venture, let me know about it as well!

***

Random (because random is the essence of The Notebook) thoughts on the picture above:

• Pictures at nighttime are considerably horrible. Other than obviously taking pictures in daylight, does anyone have simple/easy tips for pictures and/or even filters? I've been so low-tech in the last eight years that I feel slightly embarrassed to not know any of this. 
• "Just Start" is from Get To Work Book. It's the tear-out from January but I decided to use that with the August calendar taped onto it because it's just what I need. (I'm being creative!) Kathy was surprised to read that Enneagram 6's procrastinate. Oh boy, do we procrastinate. 
• I think all of my posts from the next month are going to mention something about me being the dreaded, horrible, tragic 6. You're probably going to want to vomit and/or stop reading my blog. So sorry. If you want to see into my soul, read this. 
• Yes, that is Eunice's beautiful calligraphy on my bulletin board.