Remember how I told you that I had set a goal to wake up earlier every morning? Well, ever since reading Better Than Before I changed that goal from waking up at a certain time to flossing and brushing my teeth at 9 pm, with hardly any regard to a set bedtime or waketime. However, we've incidentally gone to bed earlier as a result, closer to 10:10 p.m. rather than anywhere between 10:40 and 11:30, and I think I'm getting up earlier and happier as well too! I think for the Questioner/Rebel that I am, I need to feel like I'm not being forced to sleep or wake up at a certain time; however, starting the wind-down process earlier just helps everything move along better.
Anyway, that is not what I am going to talk about today, but it is the perfect transition to what I want to say. Like my friend Kayla, being told that the secret to success in life is waking up early makes me want to punch someone in the face. I feel similarly when I hear people talk about doing a "gratitude journal." Honestly, when someone tells me to feel grateful, that is the LAST thing I want to do.
HOWEVER, thinking about things that make me feel joyful? For me that's totally different. Gratitude feels like an obligation, something I owe to someone. Joy, on the other hand, seems to focus, if somewhat selfishly, on the nature of being the recipient of a gift.
While some have argued that practicing gratitude leads to feeling joyful (and I'm loathe to disagree with the amazing, perfect, blessed Brené who argues this point), I want to take a risk here in positing the opposite: that focusing on your feelings of joy could also make you grateful.
This, granted, is different that pursuing pleasure for pleasure's sake, which we all know will not lead to a fulfilling life. Rather, I'm challenging the notion that when we feel sucky, trying to make ourselves feel better by focusing on the good sometimes just makes us feel more crappy. For example, when I had postpartum depression after my first baby, I constantly felt guilted by the fact that I was not happy even though I had a *really* easy baby, and even that I had a baby at all! (It goes without saying that there are so many women who desperately want children but can't have them, for various reasons.) I felt guilty for not being grateful enough, and really just not being enough, period.
My friend Maria was able to be with me during some of the early days of this and I remember her just hanging out with me and binge-watching shows on Netflix when the baby was napping. When she went back to New York, she texted me to check on me and to make sure that I had finished watching my "assigned" episodes for the day. Never before had I ever have let myself watch that much TV, but it was the one thing I could do, and being able to check it off my list kept me afloat.
Paying attention to moments of joy - no matter how minuscule - is like tuning into the grace that despite all the crap in life, my heart can feel glimpses of light amidst despair, even if they are just gentle whispers of hope, of possibility.
Maybe it's just a semantics thing. Perhaps what the experts are saying is that joy is a gift and that gratitude is an exercise/discipline. You practice the discipline, you receive the gift. You put your sail up (practicing gratitude) and then wind (experiencing joy) blows and moves you. Which, I get. But still, when you're down, who has the energy to put up a sail? Nonetheless, the wind is there, dare I say, the Spirit, and maybe if I can get still enough, I can feel it.
I've never actually done a gratitude journal before so maybe I shouldn't hate on it so much. What I have done is The Prayer of Examen (which is simply asking yourself these two questions: What moment today made me feel most alive? and, When did I feel most drained?). I've found it to be a powerful way to tune into how God made me and usually it helps me get a better focus on my calling/vocation. (If you're interested, I recommend the extremely accessible and very sweet, illustrated book Sleeping with Bread.) I guess my bent is that it's easier for me to focus on what makes me feel alive vs. what I feel grateful for.
I'm having a hard time writing and ending this post because it makes me feel so ungrateful to share that I don't like the feeling of feeling indebted to someone/something. This is reminding me of how the other day my son randomly said, "Thank you to my life", and I jokingly corrected him and told him to say, "Umma, thank you for my life." This may be depressing to read, but there are some days it's hard to be grateful that I've been given a life. But maybe Theo's version of saying "thank you to my life" is like taking ownership of your life. I can look for the moments of joy I already experienced rather than tediously trying to figure out what it was I'm supposed to be grateful for.
Sigh. What say you?
P.S. This post included my first two Amazon affiliate links! I'm not sure what will come of this or how long it will last but I'm following last month's mantra of "Just Start!" Also, not fully sure how to handle disclosures. Molly?
P.P.S. A few other habit-related things I've done since reading BTB: (1) Turned off "badges" on my Mail app so I can't see when I have new e-mails on my phone, thus mostly relegating e-mail to a few designated times throughout the day, (2) Only scroll Instragram once a day, usually first thing in the morning before I get out of bed, another reason to wake up "early", (3) if I see something that needs to be put away, just do it (I'm improving from doing this 3% of the time to maybe 15% of the time; still needs a TON of work, but I'm trying).
Ha, I don't think you have a legal obligation to disclose affiliate links, though perhaps you have a moral one? ;) Also in reading your post it made me think of how often as children you are told to say "thank you," especially to adults as a courtesy. As a result I think I express gratitude out of habit more often than a genuine emotion. I also don't see it as much of an obligation because it doesn't take much thought. That however makes me wonder how often I'm not being mindful about what I actually have to be grateful for and whether that might be tied to my unwillingness to admit that I am in need (or at least using) others - including God. Thanks for the opportunity to take a little moment for some reflection. (Do you see what I did there?)
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