5/30/2017

Dive in

"I have measured my life..."
I totally didn't post anything last week and well, uh, I guess it is what it is.

Part of me totally wants the permission to quit, although as I say that it sounds so very stupid, and then there's a small voice that says, just dive in again.

This weekend I went swimming in the lake near our house with my friend and her daughters. One of them was hesitant to go all the way in for fear of the cold. I think I told her something to the effect of, "It's not too bad, so if you're planning on coming in eventually, you may as well just get it over with so you can enjoy the rest of the time."

I'm not sure of very many things in my life, but I am sure that I love water, and that I want to be in it always.

I had one of those weeks last week where a few of the mornings I woke up to that mental tape (do you have one?) that just plays the refrain, "I suck I suck I totally suck" over and over again.

I'm still not very sure about this writing thing, or about this sharing thing, or about this life thing (sometimes). This world seems so very big, and I'm afraid it's cold, but I guess if I'm planning on being part of this eventually, maybe I may as well just get it over with and surrender, with faith, knowing that yes, it will be shocking, but that yes, it will also be wonderful.

David asked me the other day what I want to teach my kids, and I think that ultimately, I want them to know that life is very hard, but that life is also very beautiful.

The tension of living between grief and gratitude is part and parcel of being human, and the more I can embrace that, I think the better off I'll be.

--

I picked up some poetry the other day, because I think I need it to slow me down, and to deepen me. I'm married to a poet, but before I knew David I think I felt the way many people do about poetry, that it is written by anguished people and it makes those who read it anguished, too.

I love Billy Collins because of the delight he takes in poetry and his belief that poetry can be accessible. In his well-known poem, "Introduction to Poetry", he teases students for trying to "torture a confession" out of poems, and I love that.

Anyway, this one poem in his anthology, 180, made me laugh out loud this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Did I Miss Anything?
by Tom Wayman

Nothing. When we realized you weren't here
we sat with our hands on our desks
in silence, for the full two hours

Everything. I gave an exam worth
40 percent of the grade for this term
and assigned some reading due today
on which I'm about to hand out a quiz
worth 50 percent

Nothing. None of the content of this course
has value or meaning
Take as many days off as you like:
any activities we undertake as a class
I assure you will not matter either to you or me
and are without purpose

Everything. A few minutes after we began last time
a shaft of light suddenly descended and an angel
or other heavenly being appeared
and revealed to us what each woman or man must do
to attain divine wisdom in this life and
the hereafter
This is the last time the class will meet
before we disperse to bring the good news to all people on earth

Nothing. When you are not present
how could something significant occur?

Everything. Contained in this classroom
is a microcosm of human experience
assembled for you to query and examine and ponder
This is not the only place such an opportunity has been gathered

but it was one place

And you weren't here

6 comments:

  1. I love the poem--"did I miss anything" is a constant worry (of type 7?). and yay for poetry and poetic lines: how you are linking what you want to pass on with where you are now. Poetics of longing.

    And I really like "living between grief and gratitude": made me reflect on perhaps grief is on the way to gratitude. And it starts again and again. Until when we die, when we are finally (hopefully) grateful for life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) thanks for your reassurance now, and always. you are so often the one who has already been swimming and is there to tell me to jump in, the water's great! <3

      Delete
  2. Yes to all your assertions: yes life is hard and yes life is beautiful, yes it's really really hard to get in the water (this is my struggle) and yes when you move around it gets easier and is worth it, yes poetry is angsty and yes it speaks to the soul sometimes with shapes and sounds and lyricism that prose can't do.

    Missed you last week!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I LOVE Billy Collins! Recently I've been reading "Poems to Learn by Heart" compiled by Caroline Kennedy with Sloane and we have been having such a wonderful time with it. Reading poems aloud to each other is such a wonderful way of reestablishing that rhythm and listening to that heartbeat.

    Also, stay in the water!! i love every single one of your posts, everything from musings, meal ideas to mundane details. :)

    ReplyDelete