Everything

Okay. Theo's self-assessment of his school performance came home the other day with his parent-teacher conference packet and this paper encapsulates me to a T. I love it so much I can't get over it.

Hmm... Did I try my best?? As long as we didn't have to exactly follow the directions, then yes, yes I did do my best.

Digging spring

 

I'm growing up and I'm also leveling up as a PNW-er (no pun intended).

In other words, I'm starting to garden. (Ahoy!)

Instead of just looking forward to summer, I'm reveling in spring and soaking it up.

Well before March 21, I started counting down the days until I could put some seeds into the ground.

I've tried - and failed - before at a garden, so this year, we are taking it small. We are essentializing. Whatever each of us really wants - enough to take care of - we get to plant. 

I've put in some mesclun, a few Easter egg radishes, some peas and cucumbers. We'll get four blueberry bushes - one for each kiddo. I also scattered a box of wildflower seeds I got from the Dollar Tree. We'll see what happens.

Theo picked and arranged this little bouquet.

I'm not one for instruction manuals, so I needs must accept with full responsibility what results (or doesn't) this year. 

Either way, in taking a page from Emily P. Freeman, Thursdays have become my gardening day: we get our hands in the dirt, plant another row of lettuce, weed, water, check on the yard as a whole. Basically, I channel Michelle Obama.

It doesn't mean that we can't do any gardening on the other days of the week (we do), but Thursday is intentionally set aside to make progress on it. I love seeing how much happens in just 7 days.

Tell me what you are growing this time of year! (In your literal garden, or just your life, y'know.)

A few randoms, IV

#shelfie

1. Theo and Emi have been obsessed with chickens and eggs lately. (We also got three new Barred Rock chicks last Friday!) A couple weeks ago, Theo created an imaginary friend/chickie that he has named Eggy, and it's made of one of my knit hats stuffed with socks wrapped inside a towel. The two have since gathered more knit hats and made more "chickies" with these. Last night Emi asked me to crochet her a tiny hat for one. It's about the size of a cotton ball and perfect for her newest chickie. They love making nests and coops for their chickies.

2. Mari Andrew was on Forever35 talking about how even in her dream job (of being artist, I assume she means), she realizes how important it is to start the day with gratitude as a self-care practice. I enjoyed listening to this segment beginning around 41 minutes (Episode 38).

3. My friends Kayla and Marla and I have been talking and thinking about the concept of intuitive eating as brought up in The Lazy Genius and Healthy Eating episode which was very intriguing and provocative. If you give it a listen, let me know what you think!

4. If you need some laughs, check out this funny list of mom memes that my brother, of all people, sent me.

5. I have been desperately wanting more houseplants and found some new fun ones I'm super excited about. I even made a simple macrame plant hanger for one of them (not shown, because lighting is bad in basement, which is precisely why plants are needed to cheer up the space).

5b. Speaking of the basement, we've recently shifted the indoor trampoline that was in the basement out to the carport (which wasn't being well utilized) so that the basement could be more of a playroom/office/studio. Changes! Good changes, for once. ;p Transforming the carport into a covered, outdoor play space has been awesome for winter. I self-five myself for my great ideas.

6. This isn't anything that new to our life/routine but I want to capture it here on my blog because I'm sure I'll forget in the years to come. A lot of our evenings these days look like me and David alternating nights going gai gai (outing in Cantonese) with Kathy, while the littles sleep. TJMaxx, Target, Michaels, and Winco are some of regular destinations.

7. My meal planning game has really been upped since I took a course with The Lazy Genius. I plan on sharing more about that in this space soon. Stay tuned!

8. Another thing I am likely to forget about in the future is how long this current phase with Cori has felt. She's a little over four months now and up until this last week has not fallen asleep for bed before 10 or 11pm. For many weeks it was midnight or 1am. David and I got used to staying up late doing things but it was exhausting (probably especially for David who usually gets up at 5am). Now she's finally creeping up on an earlier bedtime and it's wonderful. Also, her naps are so irregular compared to T + E (although as my friend Kelli pointed out, Theo and Emilyn were probably both "my worst sleeper" when they were in that stage, too, lol). I've tried so many different waketime lengths and frequently end up with 45 minute naps. So these last couple of days I'm also keeping her up longer (much longer than I did with T + E) and seeing some moderate success. But we shall see.

It's rilly hard to be mad at this face, tho.

We are obsessed with her dough-soft cheeks. Kathy came up with the nickname Cori bao (or cork-u-bao, a blend of porcupine and cha siew bao). We also call her Corky.

9. I'm crocheting another blanket and am excited for how it will turn out. It's nice to have a project where I can see progress and growth!

10. Theo and Emilyn are saying the funniest things and I need to do a round-up of all those quotes here soon. For now, here's something that just happened yesterday:
Theo (eating gyoza): Mama, what are these dumplings called? (Because we usually eat boiled dumplings and not pan-fried.)
Me: Well, you could call them gyoza or potstickers.
Theo: Oh, okay. I really like these potstickers!

11. I started my own One Line A Day journal using a beautiful Moleskine journal my friend Kayla had gotten me years ago that was too pretty to write in. The mint green is just so on point. We will see how long this lasts. So far I have written a sentence for Jan 8-15 :D

Yes week

My journey of coming into my own as a parent in the Northwest has felt not unlike what I imagine it would be like to train for a marathon in higher altitudes. There are so many days when I think, it'd be so much easier for me to do this in the Bay Area - easier weather on me and the kids, and the support of family.

But then there are days I look up (or maybe slow down) and realize that all my effort and striving is actually providing sweeter fruit. And I am stronger for having worked harder at this thing called life.

I so resonated with my friend Christine's recent post, where she talked about slowing down being the perfect (if not unexpected) antidote to the stress of busyness.

Parenting a two- and four-year old feels relentless most days (especially when observed from the span of a week, or a month, or a year), so when I find those moments when I manage to sink deeper into the mess of whatever is that moment, or better yet, when I can contribute to that mess in my own way, I actually find that the time passes more quickly. Or is it rather that the passage of time ceases to matter so much? We're just here, fully in this moment.

We fell/flowed into a pretty creative groove this week. It may have started when my friend Kayla texted me this how-to draw your own mandala blog post.

When the kids were out with David on a quick errand, I brewed myself a cup of ginger turmeric tea, borrowed a compass from Kathy, and got started on the template.

Half an hour into it, the kids ran in and wanted to join me. We keep art supplies somewhat reachable for them whenever they want, so they both climbed up and started their own projects. I didn't say anything about what I was doing, so it was fascinating to see Emilyn draw her circles. Theo noticed the compass and wanted me to show him how to use it. His first drawing here is within those penciled circles, and his next one is completely his own creation.

Another day I had had some weird time block to fill, so I cut up a cereal box into a puzzle - the front panel into 12 pieces for Theo, and the back into 6 pieces for Emilyn. They were occupied for a solid 25 minutes.

And then just today I made some playdough. They have been loving it at other people's houses (you know, where the nice moms live). I'm not a huge fan (who is?) but today I felt like making it. I had some old whole wheat flour that was going a little stale (lol) so I guess I made hippie playdough.

It made me happy dance inside to see Theo with it. First of all, he helped me with mixing and kneading it, and then when I came back upstairs from waking Emilyn up, I saw that he had split the dough into two piles, placing one of them in front of a chair for his sister.

First, Theo made a snowman. (If you look closely above, you can see a snowman with a tiny head and no midsection.)

Next, he opened up a soup/noodles/dumpling shop and asked me what I wanted from the "calendar" (menu). He then asked if I wanted it "hand shaved" (as opposed to hand cut, the other option available at King Noodle).

Finally, he started rolling balls of cookie dough, so that his customers could "enjoy it." I was most impressed by the uniformity of his balls. I think he's learned from watching Kathy bake.

***

When I talked to my counselor today I was trying to figure out why exactly this spontaneous week of creativity was so life-giving for me as their mom. I figured out that it's because I got to create as well, not just set them up for creating. I got to draw, and so I cared less about what they did (and yet they blew me out of the water with their drawings). I got to make playdough and so it didn't matter how much they enjoyed the playdough. I cut up the puzzle using stuff we already had and which was going to the recycling bin anyway.

It's a little like what Dave Ramsey refers to as happy-happy situations - happy if it works out and happy if it doesn't. I didn't spend a million dollars or buy products with tons of packaging.

I recently listened to a podcast where they talked about a "yes hour" - when you actually say yes to your kids instead of the usual no along with the litany of excuses why not. It can be such a good reset. And while I did not tell any people under the age of 5 that we are having a "yes week" I think I have succeeded in shaking things up.

***

Closing randoms:

Kendra of The Lazy Genius has been killing it lately with her podcasts. Her recent two series on routine and summer have inspired and guided me.

Also really blessed by Emily P. Freeman's podcast The Next Right Thing. (Maybe listen from the beginning?? Recent memorable episodes are number 25 and 34.)

Made these raspberry yogurt popsicles last week. It's the second time I've made them and I was still weirded out by the Pepto-Bismol look of them when you're blending it up. But it freezes beautifully. If you have a Vitamix I recommend not trying to blitz the seeds to pieces or else they won't go through the strainer as well and you'll end up with even more seediness. Third time's the charm, I guess. (Also, Molly says she reduces the sugar from 3/4 cup down to 1/2 cup now. Go with your gut, I've done both.)

(Last year's post on popsicles. And have I not yet posted about golden milk popsicles??)

Mango sticky rice is always a good idea.

Theo(logic)

We have been busy trying to soak up what I experienced as a short-lived summer.

(Yes, Kayla and Linnea, I suppose that exposes my non-nativeness to feel this way about the summer we had!)

At least, that is my excuse for why I haven't blogged in a while about anything, and it's certainly been ages since I've shared what Theo and Emilyn are saying lately.

As usual, I've tried to jot down things in my Notes app, so here is a collection since the last time I wrote about him in February. It's in chronological order so you can keep in mind the context of growing from 3yr1mo to 3yr9mo and through the seasons of winter, spring, summer and now fall. He started preschool last week!

Lol, I suppose I could have cropped this, and then captioned, "Is Theo wearing pants?"

--

After I muttered to myself, "When will it stop raining?" Theo said, "It will stop raining when you go to your nap, in your dreams."

To David, regarding some privilege: "Will you talk it over with Umma?"

"Don't cry Emi, we're almost home."

"Don't laugh; it's not a laughing game."

"Breathe in and out" to himself.

Earlier this year, he asked if he could use sidewalk chalk. Since it was raining a lot, I said, "when it's Spring, we can bring out the sidewalk chalk." One day probably in March, he noticed the pink camilias blooming on the side of the house, and so he said to me, "The camilias are blooming; can we have sidewalk chalk?"

To me, "You don't need shoes on; just your feet." He knows I'm a Berkeley girl.

"I took a picture with my eyes."

When he wasn't ready for me to kiss him goodnight, he told me "Go control your computer" because he knows I usual check my email between putting Emilyn to bed and then saying goodnight to him.

"Nuna is quite the baker."

One day when David was mowing the lawn, David asked him what he wanted to do, since he dislikes the loud noise of the mower. Theo asked, "Can I stay inside and dance?" Kathy, Emilyn, and I were out at that time, so when we came home, we just saw Theo dancing by himself in the living room, and we found out the rest of the story from David.

"Can I come to your house?" He started saying this a couple of months ago, to grandparents whenever we FaceTimed them. Of course they loved this.

Back in April when it was David's birthday, I asked Theo what we should get for his birthday. Without any hesitance, he offered, "Moss killer."

And first thing in the morning on that birthday, he said, "Can we have cake today because it's your birthday?"

Again, earlier in the summer, to one of my friends: "I'm ready for preschool. I go to preschool three times a week for an hour. I start in the fall." (Actually he goes twice a week for two hours.)

Referring to packaged seaweed, "No, don't throw away the silica gel, or else it won't be crispy!"

He started buckling himself into the carseat in April, at 3 years and 3 months. So nice that he can climb in and get buckled himself.

Sometimes before bed, David has all of Theo's monkeys warm up their singing voices for bedtime songs. When they say "mi mi mi mi mi", Theo sometimes says "me me me me mini mini me."

I love watching Emilyn copy Theo's dance moves.

Because Kathy calls Theo her "Chicken Heart" or "Chicken Thigh" etc., Theo started saying "chop chop chop" while he pretends to chop his arm into bite-sized pieces for her to eat.

"Appa, statch me." By which he meant, can you pray that prayer where you ask God to let me grow in wisdom and stature, in favor with God and man?

"I'm going to preach school."

Without prompting, he began a letter to Emilyn, which read, "I love you, I like to climb, I love playing with you."

There's a Vietnamese sticky rice coconut dessert which Theo calls squishy dessert, but the way he says it, it sounds like "kwishy dirt."

"I'm not a baby, I'm a Theo. Don't talk about babies; let's talk about big boys."

One day, I said, "I'm looking for the one who loves Jack Jack (Emilyn)" when I was trying to get Kathy's attention. Theo intervened saying "I love Jack Jack!"

One day he said "The storms of Jesus Christ" maybe because we told him that God controls nature?

"Don't cry Emilyn, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"I want to trick Umma."

"Wake up so I can bother you!"

On a drive, "If I see a tractor, I will tell you."

"We can go on a date? What the??? Tractor??!!"

When I mentioned I needed to go to the pharmacy, he asked if there would be any tractors. At the Farm-acy, duh.

"I don't want cat cookies, there's sugar bugs."

"I'm organizing over there." He has started to "organize" things. Am I really happy about this? YAS.

"I'm sitting on this rice sock so that I don't cough or bless you."

"We have an appleseed tree and two maple trees."

He often mashes together two thoughts into one sentence: "I don't know how to do this?"

"I'm thirsty for salt. Savory."

When I started loosely and slowly weaning Emilyn I had to tell her once, "I'm not going to nurse you right now." Theo overheard and he asked, "Is it because you're growing, and you're a big umma?"

Theo wanted more Milo (an Asian chocolate malted drink), so I told him I would pick up more of it when I went to Evergreen. A week after I had told him that, I mentioned to David that I needed to go to Evergreen. Immediately, Theo said in a robotic voice, "Can-you-pick-up-my-Milo."

One time when David was merging on to the freeway and a car sped up at the last minute to overtake him, Theo yelled out, "Share the road!" (We honestly have never said that out loud so it was really funny.)

David likes to use the speaker/amplifier in the mini-van to imitate airplane pilot monologues (e.g., ":::ssssshhhhhhhhhh::: This is your captain speaking...") so Theo has started doing it as well, only he says, "This is your speaking captain..."

"If I can watch a show with front loaders and a backhoe, then I'll get my hair cut!" Talk about sentence construction.

"Mama, did you make grits for me? I'm hungry for grits."

"My tummy loves warm."

"Look at what happened to my waffle." (It's gone.)

One day when Emilyn was crying in the back of the van, Theo told me, "She wants everything. She wants a nap, she wants to go to the park, she wants her friends." I love how he asked himself a question in his head and then answered it for all of us.

"I know her full name. Ro Ro Ro Ro Emilyn Ro."

He took care of Emilyn's stuffed bunny and treated it like a baby.

When we got in the car one day, he asked for the "joy joy podcast", by which he meant the song "Down In My Heart."

In the middle of summer, "Don't wake me up to preschool!"

When I mentioned that I might pull him out of school to go to Richmond for a few weeks in late winter, he said, "I need my daddy and my nunu. That will be too much. Or I will go with just Emilyn." When I asked, "Then what will Mama do?", he said, "Mama will get a date."

One day Theo was arranging logs on the deck and he called it Silver Lake. I did not comprehend what he was saying until later that week we went to Silver Lake and the parking lake had logs arranged to mark off the parking spaces.

He uses the word "cantilever" and pronounces it "cant-a-leave-er." It's too much.

One morning when David was home during breakfast (it means either the weekend or a weekday he's working late), Theo could tell Emilyn was starting to feel anxious that I'd be leaving to take a walk. All of this was unspoken, until Theo asked me, "You can just walk laps around the kitchen, right?" He knew that she didn't want me to leave.

As soon as Theo gets home from school, he pulls his pants off and yells, "Free!"

And then just yesterday, when I pulled out grapes for dessert during dinner, he said "I want g-r-..." and proceeded to spell a couple of other (wrong) letters. "I want icecream for dessert. G-r-..." because we always spell out the good things.

We met one of Kathy's new floormates this year and her name is Erica. Theo later commented that her name is like "the America flag." Indeed, "Erica" is in America.

--

Alright, now I'm up to speed with Theo. Up next, Emilyn!

P.S. For my own record (since I'm no longer logging everything obsessively in an Excel file, ha! Although, Elizabeth, aren't you glad that I had? ;p), it appears that Theo is dropping his nap. I can't be totally sure, and I think he may still need it on school days, but I'm 90% sure this is happening right now. :'(

P.P.S. Marla, I am totally channeling the "and because it's due, this is what I will write."

Simultaneously fast and slow

These two little people fill my days with laughs and aggravation. My friend Christine said it best when she said that motherhood sometimes makes her feel like a crumpled piece of paper.

One of the consistently best moments of every day is waking them up from their naps. I love entering their warm and dark rooms, hearing their soft breathing, and inhaling their fermented honey / yeasted bread smell.

Both of them always worked themselves into the corner and slept like froggies.

However, and related to that, one of the things that is about to drive me crazy is the nap transitions we are currently in. Emilyn is in the transition to drop to one nap, and I think we're smack in the middle of the time where having a nap makes it hard for Theo to fall asleep at night, but no nap is no bueno (probably more for me than for him, insert sweating emoji).

Gah, I can't get enough of this.

Every day, I am just in awe of how simultaneously fast and slow time moves.

Both of them have grown so much - physically and mentally - in the past couple weeks and it shocks me when I look at them. Theo's thighs and legs suddenly got super chunky, and Emilyn is solidly heavy to hold. I definitely think Theo shot up an inch or two overnight, because one day he was tripping all over himself, when he is normally very careful. Emilyn's pants got short on her one day as well. Crazy.

Here are a couple notes on them at their current stages.

Emilyn {15 mos}:

• is juuust about walking. She can do a number of steps in a row. The last few days she's been "running" for a couple steps before she falls, as if she thinks she can get more steps in before the fall this way. 
• does squats and pliés when music is on.
• is starting to learn to go down the stairs backwards.
• loves putting on accessories, like headbands and especially purses. She doesn't even mind socks! (Though she will pull them off in the car, obviously.) She grabs clothes and signals to you that she wants you to help her put it on, and cooperates when you put clothes on. (Except for diapers, of course.) This is the complete opposite of Theo, whom I can barely get to wear pants most days.
• (Related: we had a stretched-out strap from an LED headlamp, which she would put over herself like a beauty pageant sash, so we called her Miss LED for a while.)
• is more clearly saying mama/umma, dada, and nuna (big sis). 
• says "tck-a tck-a tck-a" (tickle tickle tickle) while tickling your feet.
• still loves her food. One day I shared a smoothie with her and she drank more than half of it. I seriously thought to myself, oh, no I cannot share food with her when she grows up. We will both be like, "Who ate my hamburger? / Where did my hamburger go??" Basically, we'll be really mad at each other.

Theo {3yr 3mos}:

• says "Oh, hi, ____!" when people are around, as in "Oh, hi, Appa!" The "oh" adds this element of surprise in his tone, like's so delighted to see you, which he is.
• said, "Can someone watch the kids?" when he saw me going upstairs one day.
• found an evangelism tract one day and decided to call it "my college." When he dropped it from his carseat, he exclaimed, "Oh, no! My college!"
• loves shaved ice. We discovered a couple places we like and it's our way of embracing/getting through winter. One night after dinner, he stage whispered across the table to Kathy, "Should we go to shaved ice?"
• responded when I told him we were going to Ace, "Oh, for popcorn? Paint? Wood? A new house?"
• said, "I can't hear you downstairs when I'm going upstairs!"
• told me "put your phone in your pocket" when it fell on the steps when I was going to the car.
• told David, "finish your coffee, don't spill" when he was carrying his coffee to the car. (Totally different day.)
• sings "the shadow proves the sunshine" from Switchfoot.
• ended one walk with the song "Mama Knows Best" because, even though he wasn't too reluctant to go for the walk in the first place, he wanted me to feel appreciated for making a good suggestion that we go for a walk. I guess he really understands how much work it is to get clothes on both of them and get loaded up to go! Especially when it is so gloomy and/or raining.
• slipped a small cardboard sleeve over his elbow one day and proclaimed that he was a "doctor for babies!" Maybe he remembered how I would always get my blood pressure measured at the OB/GYN when I was pregnant with E?
• folds up hand towels and "warms" them up over of the heater registers and calls them burritos. (He did this before he turned 3 but I forgot to write about this earlier.)
• told me "it will stop raining, when you go to your nap, in your dreams" when I told him I was tired of all this precipitation.
• asked David if he would "talk it over with umma"; "it" being getting a John Deere monster truck/tractor.
• asked Emilyn, "why are you crying? We're almost home" on the drive home yesterday. And when we chuckled over his sweetness, he deadpanned,"don't laugh, it's not a laugh game."
• fake-breathed in and out very quickly when he started getting upset on a walk, because I had taught him just the day before to take a deep breath when you get upset.
• asked me to get new sidewalk chalk, and when I said, "maybe in a week or two when it's more spring-like," he responded by going to the camellias blooming around the corner of the house, and said, "look, it's spring! Can we go get sidewalk chalk now?"
• uses a baby bird voice to call me "Mama!" every night when we play hide-and-seek before bed, and when he wants me to feed him a snack.
• says "have fun, good luck!" whenever we put him to bed/nap because he used to always say that to Uncle Kenny when he was playing games before T's bedtime
• asked me "you wearin' shoes?" when he wanted me to climb into his bed, and when I said, "no," he clarified, "just your feet?"
• is staying dry at night on his own. We used elimination communication very casually (which I loved) so he was using the potty before 1 (mostly for #2), day trained somewhere in year 2 (#1 didn't come until after 2yo), and now starting to night train himself. A few times we did a "dream pee" and it was so sweet to see him sleepily sit on the baby potty, his long, lanky legs propped up on the floor.

The two of them together are a such a sweet pair. It surprises me how extremely and mutually tolerant they are of each other. Theo is so gracious about sharing toys, noticing when she doesn't have something and getting it for her (or grabbing her purse and putting her phone in it), offering her water to drink, etc. And Emilyn doesn't mind his wrestling or pommeling her. She worships her oppa and wants to do everything he is doing.

Okay, and lol, the main reason I had to write this post is to share this hilarious series of drawings by Theo.

A couple of days ago, Theo asked me if Emilyn could be in his tummy when he grew up. (I said no.) So then a day or two later, he drew this picture:

"That's Emilyn in my tummy, when I'm a grown-up."

And then a minute later he drew this:

"That's Emilyn in my tummy. She lookin' for food."

There are no words.

(Also, we think it's amazing that he knows how to draw smiley faces because in all the drawing we do together we never taught him explicitly how to draw smileys. Maybe he studied those Costco receipts?)

Hoppipolla

When life gives you rain, go puddle jumping.

Today I was inspired by an article that suggested going for walks with absolutely no plan. I'm usually a three-times-around-the-block-helps-me-reach-10,000-steps kind of gal, but it sounded like a fun, if not different, idea.



As per the directions (I have to follow the plan even if the plan is to not have a plan), I did not predetermine our route, but instead let Theo pick whether we turned right or left whenever we got to an intersection.

Letting go and just following where the day might lead was a good change for me.

I did, however, struggle when it came to this fork in the road.

Theo jumped right past it.

What are you guys doing to get through this blessedly long winter?

Theo says

Theo is just at that age where some days are super aggravating but that interspersed are these transcendent moments in which I am bewildered that I birthed this person.

Sidebar: I am happy to report that I found a good counselor and that hopefully that will help me keep afloat of my own junk.

And I think she's in her 60s so that makes all this even more perfect.

Theo is not quite yet three but I've heard from other moms that three can be way harder than two (though two wasn't too bad for us), that 3.5 is the pits, that threenagers give you moments that are the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

One of his latest monster truck drawings.

I try to keep notes (on my phone, in random notebooks) of the super funny things that he says, and I think it will be important for me in the next few months to pay attention to these occurrences that make motherhood worth it.

We think he's pretty smart and a decently verbal kid (for a boy). He absolutely cracks me up with the things he makes connections between.

• Sometimes under his breath he'll say "I'm a big boy" when he's doing something he knows he is supposed to be doing, without being asked.
• "We need to get more money, lots more money, to get a tractor." (He wants a *real* John Deere tractor, not a toy one, and he keeps hoping Santa will bring him one. Any time we go out to the store - even the grocery store - he thinks we might consider buying one.)

• When we tuck him in at night, he usually says, "love you, mama" and "love you, appa." Recently he has begun to add, "I love my gray house. It's gray, and white, and there are windows, and wood, and a chimney. I love my gray house."
• This week his internal clock told him it was Tuesday and time to go to the library, even though nothing was mentioned, and David even worked on Sunday which totally throws off the schedule, at least for me. 
• Theo has been out of a toddler bed for more than six months now so it was funny when he randomly brought it up with David the other day. "Appa, do you remember my toddler bed? Where there was a short rail on one side and I could get in and out?"
• He can sing so many Christmas carols by himself and especially loves the Pentatonix version of Drummer Boy; he can even do some beatboxing, and his rhythm is spot on.
• The other day David was trying to get Theo to give him a wall charger he was holding onto, and Theo said, "No, Appa. I need that for my WiFis."

A hard week

This has been a hard week. Hence, why I'm dragging myself here on a Friday, to finally write this week's post.

I've been in a funk, and (because?) my kids are going crazy. It's probably partly due to the weather: the darkness, and the cold keeping us in.

To give you an idea of how bad this week was, let me just say that I spent one whole nap-time Googling therapists and preschools. (The former for me, the latter for a certain almost-three-year-old, if you weren't clear.)

I had one of those days when I dreamed of being older and getting momnesia, being one of Those Moms.

I think it's even harder after a year of growth and realizations. Like, aren't I supposed to be a better person now? I've learned a little about self-compassion! I've been enlightened! I can live in the moment! I can be my own best friend?! Or even my own boss! And, when all else fails, "Plot twist!"

Sigh. The spirals of despair.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to keep showing up. Each and every damn day.

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Kendra Adachi, of The Lazy Genius Collective, my newest blog/podcast love, asks these three questions of her podcast listeners at the end of every interview. I'll answer them for you and ask for you to reply with yours.

Something I love: The Road Back to You podcast. The production has improved significantly since its inception. I particularly enjoyed Reclaiming Hope (Nov 16) and How Do You Manage the Unrest in Your Soul (Nov 10).
Something I hate: Feeling overwhelmed by the aforementioned almost-three-year-old.
Something I need: Besides therapy and/or preschool, a vacation in a warm place or at least a heated swimming pool!

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Other randoms:

• If you have smelly kitchen towels, despite any and all past efforts of washing in borax/vinegar/baking soda/etc. in the laundry machine, try: boiling them in 1/4-1/2 cup baking soda on your stove for 20-30 minutes. In addition to smelling so clean (i.e., not smelling like anything), my flour sacks are more absorbent now, too! You're welcome.
• If you need to watch the stupidest stupid thing ever, check this out. If it's not funny to you, just watch it again.
• My friend Jason said, "for someone who's not on Facebook, you sure like a lot of dumb videos." This is for having also insisted that we watch Christopher Walken's Googly Eyes video before dinner. (Is Walken a 6, needing to know where he stands with something?)
• I've signed up for a sort of continuation of the workshop I took this summer, called The Year of Creativity. If you're interested, I have a referral link that will get you 10% off and then $10 for me. 
• Instead of doing a full elimination diet just yet, I've tried cutting out gluten for Emilyn and me. So far it's making a big difference for Emilyn, and a questionable difference for me. 

Love. Hate. Need. Go!

10. Do the impossible

Halfway there. Is this what it feels like to run a marathon? I am so proud of myself for my accomplishments and yet I also cannot wait for this to be over. (Well, not exactly. I do feel like there's something about this discipline I want to continue; I just mean that I can't wait to reach and complete my goal. I am a compulsive goal-reacher.)

“You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible — oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.” —Tina Fey

I have been super encouraged by so many of you sharing your thoughts via comments, emails, or even text messages. So grateful for my community that is meeting me where I'm at. I leaped, and the net appeared.

I've written a lot already ("a lot" is relative, of course) but I continue to feel that I'm dancing around the edges of what I really need to say. Yes, maybe there are "vulnerable" and "real" things I will get to eventually - the deeper you go, the more universal you get? - but I also want to exercise the concept of embracing where I am, even if it's not where I think I ought to be.

One of the things that I keep coming up against in my personal meta-dialogue (and there is SO MUCH meta-dialogue) is the idea that I have nothing new to say, and that people have already had these thoughts (if I would just Google), and worse, the people who have said these things are half my age and therefore how juvenile and behind-the-times I am.

When I started this project I was fueled by the words and voice of Elizabeth Gilbert, telling me that it doesn't matter what people think; or, even if you let those voices speak, what are you going to do, just nothing? The last thing I want to do is live my life a victim.

I wonder if part of the struggle is not just my 6-ness, but also my Asian American-ness. The whole idea of saying "I am _____" and filling in the blank is utterly terrifying. I am so many things and I don't know which is more scary: to name and settle on one thing, or to live in the undefined.

Philosophical question of the day: Do you get to decide the genre of your life?

***

The more I write and the more I read, the more I find things that are exactly what I'm thinking about. (Even Liz Gilbert mentions this in her book; she describes this as the universe giving you signs, portents; this is what I felt before Day Zero, and why I decided to keep going forward, even though it was scary and unknown.)

I am referring now to the wonderful, glorious, beautiful thoughts in Fault in Our Stars, and the nerdy, stick-it-to-The-Man-ness of The Art of Non-Conformity. I mentioned starting these books on Friday and have finished the first and am 80% through the other. Guillebeau mentions that sometimes deferred gratification can be a sort of life avoidance - saving up for a better future vs. enjoying life now. This balance (the fact that this paradox even exists) is exactly related to: (1) my thoughts on choosing sanity over money, (2) a lot of things about Konmari (editing your life and making joy out of what you have by getting rid of things you held on for a reason that was probably good at one point; living your best life now without over-focusing on the past or the future, and all this definitely needs its own post), and (3) my thoughts/reflections on the principles of Mr. Money Mustache (also probably another post). Going. to. explode.

***

I don't know where this fits so I'm just going to plop it here:

I have a history/pattern of ignoring my gut, which is, admittedly, yet another Enneagram 6 issue. I make decisions by fighting between my head and my heart, but the engagement of my gut is underdeveloped. (Except the food-eating type of gut. No issue there. I try to find the good food in every situation.)

***

Speaking of food, this:



Theo got this baby eggplant from our church's community garden yesterday. Today, out of nowhere, he went to his bookshelf and grabbed this book to show me a "match" between his eggplant and the book. We seriously hadn't read this book in months. I love how he inherited my crazy random associative memory. Insert heart eyes emoji.

Shakshuka baby

I have not a single picture of the shakshuka we made last night because it was all devoured.

However, allow me to present to you Shakshuka Baby:

After my new friend Kayla and I decided to make shakshuka for dinner, her girls couldn't stop saying "shakshuka" over and over (who could blame them?) and then all of a sudden, Emilyn became "Shakshuka Baby." 

We think their future band could be named Rosie, Eleanor and the Shakshuka Baby. Pretty catchy, eh?

Shakshuka is pretty easy to make, especially when you have a baby to hold and then you can make your friend do all the work. I first made it from Smitten Kitchen's recipe but yesterday we followed the NYTimes. I hardly think it matters which you do as long as there's feta involved. Yesterday we used red bell peppers in place of chile peppers, which definitely makes it more kid friendly. And unlike Deb we are not cilantro-adverse, so we used that and I think it pairs so wonderfully with the feta so I like that change from parsley. 

Kayla brought everything for an awesome salad so between that and her practically making the main dish I was set. I was already into our growing friendship but that pretty much sealed the deal.

But, if you don't have a Kayla (slash momcrush), here's how you can make it for yourself:

Shakshuka Baby, hold the baby

inspired by Smitten Kitchen and The NYTimes

Saute 1 onion, sliced with 1-2 red bell peppers, sliced, about 10 minutes. Add 3 cloves garlic, sliced. Add 1 t each of cumin and paprika and 1/8 t cayenne (possibly omit for kids). Dump 28 oz can of diced tomatoes and some salt and pepper. Simmer until thickened. Gently crack 6 eggs spread across the surface of the sauce. Cover the pan and let eggs cook until they are soft-set, maybe about 5 minutes. Gently spoon some sauce over eggs. Sprinkle crumbled feta and minced cilantro over all and serve.

Need more shakshuka, baby? 

Emilyn is:

• 5 months. Can't believe it. (22 weeks and 1 day to be exact.)
• still only rolling back to tummy, over her left side.
• most definitely teething. 
• on two naps (seemed early to me but it's really working) and bedtime is slowly and more consistently becoming around 7:15 p.m. 

Theo:

• surprised us with how well he transitioned to the toddler bed this past week. This toddler clock helps a ton, which we put in his crib well before the transition.
• loves a new book we picked up at Half Price the other day called Digger, Dozer, Dumper. I love seeing him bring books into his bed during IP. 
• came up to us and told us "I go nap" when some friends were over after church and it actually was getting close to his naptime. Our extroverted guy telling us he needed to be excused from the party. Heart melted. 

This is how he looked at me when I said, "Theo, sit there so I can take more pictures of you in this glorious light."

And today's closing randomness is brought to you by Chinese American potlucks of the 1990s. Almond jello for the win!

The week in pictures

Molly, this post is essentially a scavenger hunt for you. I think there are at least three things deserving of the #cornerpieceloversunite hashtag. :)

1. The Amateur Gourmet's apple cobbler made with half the apples and the same amount of topping.

2. There are quite a number of pears growing on our dwarf tree this year!

3. I've finally learned the art of ordering the English muffin on the side when getting Eggs Benedict.

4. Konmari'd all the miscellaneous bags of bulk things into Orangette's granola no. 5. Love this salty and crispy recipe. Tip: If you don't want the fuss of obtaining unsweetened coconut chips (no mail ordering for me) just use the regular sweetened flakes and then cut back on the maple syrup.

5. A crudite sunburst to go with some grilled chicken. Chives are from our garden.


6. A trip to the library!

7. Caption this:

 8. And, finally, summer is so close!