A letter to my winter self

Dear Winter Lisa,

There will be a time when you will feel debilitated, like a stone has been tied around your waist and is pulling you under water.

What can we do to protect you from sinking, love? For starters, when you begin to feel this way, I want you to read this letter and remember that I see you. You’re probably feeling sad and struggling with how hard everything feels especially because you are usually a happy, jubilant, initiating human and right now you feel dull and stuck.

Sure, diet and exercise will help. But you need more than these things. Tell Peggy. Tell Bethany. Tell David and Diana. Increase your meds to 50 mg even if they make you feel “funny.” Go on all the flights you booked to San Jose, even if you think you don’t need to go. There is no medal for getting through winter without extra support.

These trips you take in the dead of winter are not meant to fix your feelings or help you “make meaning” out of winter; they are simply to keep you alive for Summer Lisa.

I’m guessing that what is the hardest is not the acceptance of the rain or the gloom but acceptance of how low your mood is. There is nothing wrong with you, even though you don’t “feel like yourself.” Please know that I accept you as you are right now, and that I love you.

You are worthy even when you struggle. Happiness is not perfection and perfection isn’t even what is being asked of you.

Hang in there, and I’ll see you next summer at the lake.

Unmoored

Hi! I just need to check in and make sure I write/post after a week of vacation in Richmond, VA. It was so needed, more than I knew, and it's a little hard coming back to the grey and the gloom.

I don't know if the negative/blah feelings have to do with the weather, the environment, the lack of support I perceive, or if it's spiritual warfare, but for one week I was able to escape from it, and coming back I am reminded of how much I feel unmoored here.

So I'm contriving some goals (RIGHT NOW as I write this) and publishing them here to keep myself afloat until I feel better.

1. Get in my 10,000 steps. I had been doing really well with walking until the really cold months and I want to pick it up again.

2. Keep blogging. Sometimes it's hard to generate content, but the discipline is good for me. I feel like I'm trying to beat this depression like they do in AA, one day at a time.

3. Keep menu planning and keep cooking. I feel "flow" (as defined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) when I'm cooking: it's the perfect creative thing for me that's neither too easy nor too challenging to really enjoy myself. I've recently noticed that ethereal quality of "feeling at home with myself" (love that phrase from this article) while cooking lately, and I really treasure that, because I don't experience that feeling very often anymore these days.

4. Per my previous post, I'm going to try to meet up with friends more than once a week. I can't control the outcome (i.e., feeling socially energized or emotionally satisfied), but I can choose my actions.

5. Start a "thankful" list. I've talked once about how the word "gratitude" rubs me wrong, and I've since heard one other blogger/podcaster talk about it too, so it's not just me. It's funny how word choice can make such a big difference. I find I'm more empowered when I say "I'm thankful for..." or "I appreciate..." than when I say "I'm so grateful..." so if that's what it takes for me to be a more thankful person, I'll take it. With this goal, I will write down one thing I'm thankful for (or a moment that gave me joy) every day for a month, or til the end of May, and then see how it goes for me.

6. Be more open to how God is at work in my life. I'm on this interesting journey right now where I feel upside down with my faith. So much doesn't make sense to me, and it's hard to articulate what exactly that is. (Molly, your email had me thinking all week and I'm working on a response for you.)

7. Drink more water. (This was added to this list somewhat facetiously, because what list of goals does not including drinking more water?)

Alright, there it is, for everyone to see. Now I have to do it!

P.S. Anyone watched or watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix? Let's discuss! (I took some notes on my phone while watching, marked by episode, so I can "live"-discuss with you without spoilers. Text me!)

P.P.S. Most ironic moment today: using the dictation function on my phone to send a text to communicate the acronym "LOL."