The books I read in 2020

I've been in a bit of a reading rut and have been asking friends to help me get unstuck. Christine responded by asking me what has worked for me lately to give her a launching point for her suggestions, so I plan on enumerating that below in this post.

(PSA: If you don't want to fall into a reading rut, do not read Cara Wall's The Dearly Beloved. I repeat, do not read this beautiful book by Cara Wall. Everything you read after will just not live up to the beautiful prose and striking descriptions of humans in relationship to others and their faiths. If, after this warning, you choose not to heed my advice, then maybe just follow it up with Vanishing Half, if you haven't read it already, but I'm sure you have, and so I'm sorry.)

(Thankfully, my friend Sharon is here to save us all from book rut despair. When I asked my personal Modern Mrs. Darcy what to call the genre I cannot get enough of, this is what she had to say: "I've been trying to figure this out for myself, and my working category is quiet literary fiction/character studies and family sagas (though there are some family sagas I dislike, like the super dysfunctional ones of which I have read far too many). By quiet I mean that there's very little action that happens, haha, and when I describe it to someone else I feel like a crazy person because there's so little plot progress." YES, YES EXACTLY! She then pointed me to Anne Bogel's recent post for more great books to enjoy. You're welcome.)

Okay, returning back from parathetical land.

Paradoxically, in the midst of this book desert I've been drowning in (sorry for the morbid mixed metaphor), Julia Cameron (of morning pages fame), whose course The Artist's Way I've started working through, instructs in the chapter I'm currently on to take a week of reading deprivation. (Yes, you read that right. No reading anything for a week. I think it's supposed to propel you to create your own work instead of consuming other people's work.) 

I'm not sure I can stand to not read for a whole week, but I have not read for the past 8 hours (big whoop, I know) since I read that assignment. The self-imposed inability to not turn to a book to pass time has already created a vacuum for other stuff, such as facing this blog. 

Today I will use my extra time to tell you about what I read in 2020. 

I've been tracking my reading for two years now. I made a fun bullet journal spread in 2019 and then used Goodreads more in 2020. (Goodreads = great tool, but geez they did not need to be so rude about me not meeting my reading goal last year. "Better luck in 2021" -- really?!)

Here's a pictograph (?) of my 2019 reading:

One thing I'm really proud of is reading more fiction in 2020, increasing my measly 6 in 2019 to 24 in 2020. 

Before I get to my a complete list of my 2020 reads at the end of the post, here are a few highlights.

Favorite fiction:

- The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall

- Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (Imma blame Tolstoy for me not meeting my Goodreads goal)

- The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

- Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

Favorite narrative non-fiction:

- Educated by Tara Westover

Favorite non-fiction:

- Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski

- Untamed by Glennon Doyle

- The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary (helpful and challenging enough to me that I'm re-reading this again this year)

Favorite (albeit only) Illustrated Memoir

- The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui

I actually listened to an audiobook and enjoyed it:

- Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

And here's the list in its entirety, in roughly chronological order as I read throughout the year:

Still Life by Louise Penny
Atomic Habits by James Clear

Educated by Tara Westover

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones

Shrill by Lindy West

A River of Stars by Vanessa Hua

Dear Girls by Ali Wong

Slammed by Colleen Hoover

Pride by Ibi Zoboi

The Dutch House by Ann Patchett

All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung

The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

The Flat Share by Beth O'Leary

The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

Small Fry by Lisa Brennan Jobs

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Cider House Rules by John Irving

Little Gods by Meng Jin

Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

Re Jane by Patricia Park

Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

Anna K by Jenny Lee

There, There by Tommy Orange

How to Do Nothing by Jenny Odell

Loveboat, Taipei by Abigail Hing Wen

Meet the Frugalwoods by Elizabeth Willard Thames

The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg

The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi

The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary

The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall

The Rule of One by Ashley Saunders and Leslie Saunders

Please feel free to send me recommendations for my next read and/or wish me "better luck in 2021"!

Also, raise your hand if you, like me (and Stephie and Chris*), slow down when a book is so good, because you don't want it to end, ya weirdo.

_______________

*Maria, feel free to let Chris know his first blog shout-out happened today, although I suppose he doesn't really need to read the post since he already uses your Goodreads account to stalk your friends for book recs.

It's October

Yikes. It's October and I've only published five posts this year. (As I typed that sentence, a gust of wind released a million scarlet leaves from our maple, swirling as though in a snow globe.)

Taking the time to write in this blog seems frivolous, like so many fallen leaves, but I feel this pull to document some things, if only for me, and also to remember that this is a safe space, my space (lol, DEB).

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, the most prominent and comprehensive topic being the idea of seasons.

In a recent book I read, Do Less, author Kate Northup provocatively poses this question to women: what if we assessed our productivity based not on a 24-hour cycle (i.e., daily) but a 28-day cycle (i.e., monthly/lunar)? She also invites us to take into consideration the seasons, whether literal or figuratively, when taking stock of our lives and plans.

When people say, "it's just a season," it's often an attempt to comfort and console, and yet I think it incidentally gives a bad rap to whatever season that person is in. Implied, it seems, is that someone is in winter and they need only to wait for spring. Instead, I'm beginning to wonder if we can discover the gifts of winter, without expecting them to be the same as the gifts of spring, summer, and fall.

I like this idea of living with the seasons, the mindful embrace of what is, rather than what I wish were reality.

--

What does this fall have for me? What do I need to let go of?

I feel like I'm still in my summer with regards to thoughts and projects -- that many things that began to grow have not yet come to fruition. How can I trust that these things can go dormant and be picked up again in its season? And/or, which of these things can continue to grow/bloom through autumn?

--

Closing randoms / notes to myself:

- The transition to fall, and to Theo starting kindergarten and Emi starting preschool, hit me especially hard, even though I was theoretically prepared for it. I was on hiatus with my therapist since early summer (?), and have since scheduled an appointment for this Friday, but it would be good for Future Lisa to remember to preemptively schedule a follow-up at the end of whatever break I'm trying to give myself, and also to schedule appointments in advance of known transition periods.

- I don't want to forget the way Theo still jumps up and down on his tippy toes when he's super excited. Usually when he's done something nice for someone (Emi or Cori) or built something very cool.

- Self care lately looks like: brisk walks outside, serving myself beautiful food, meditation, reading for fun, painting, time with friends, saying no/delegating/not doing something just because I could. Just today: trying to do chores only when the kids are awake; catching myself (simply by noticing!) when I was self-loathing/self-sabotaging. Writing this post today really feels like self-love.

- I've read a bunch of books lately that were super fascinating. I've had to return books to the library before I got to finish them... basically, I'm having #readerproblems, and this has led me to consider creating a syllabus for myself for 2020. I think I might want to pace myself and delve more deeply into what I'm reading. Anyone have suggestions or something they want to read with me? Please comment with one book suggestion for me (either that you read and liked in 2019, or hope to read in 2020)!

- Thanks, as always, for reading! Grateful for each one of you.

Dive in

"I have measured my life..."

I totally didn't post anything last week and well, uh, I guess it is what it is.

Part of me totally wants the permission to quit, although as I say that it sounds so very stupid, and then there's a small voice that says, just dive in again.

This weekend I went swimming in the lake near our house with my friend and her daughters. One of them was hesitant to go all the way in for fear of the cold. I think I told her something to the effect of, "It's not too bad, so if you're planning on coming in eventually, you may as well just get it over with so you can enjoy the rest of the time."

I'm not sure of very many things in my life, but I am sure that I love water, and that I want to be in it always.

I had one of those weeks last week where a few of the mornings I woke up to that mental tape (do you have one?) that just plays the refrain, "I suck I suck I totally suck" over and over again.

I'm still not very sure about this writing thing, or about this sharing thing, or about this life thing (sometimes). This world seems so very big, and I'm afraid it's cold, but I guess if I'm planning on being part of this eventually, maybe I may as well just get it over with and surrender, with faith, knowing that yes, it will be shocking, but that yes, it will also be wonderful.

David asked me the other day what I want to teach my kids, and I think that ultimately, I want them to know that life is very hard, but that life is also very beautiful.

The tension of living between grief and gratitude is part and parcel of being human, and the more I can embrace that, I think the better off I'll be.

--

I picked up some poetry the other day, because I think I need it to slow me down, and to deepen me. I'm married to a poet, but before I knew David I think I felt the way many people do about poetry, that it is written by anguished people and it makes those who read it anguished, too.

I love Billy Collins because of the delight he takes in poetry and his belief that poetry can be accessible. In his well-known poem, "Introduction to Poetry", he teases students for trying to "torture a confession" out of poems, and I love that.

Anyway, this one poem in his anthology, 180, made me laugh out loud this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Did I Miss Anything?
by Tom Wayman

Nothing. When we realized you weren't here
we sat with our hands on our desks
in silence, for the full two hours

Everything. I gave an exam worth
40 percent of the grade for this term
and assigned some reading due today
on which I'm about to hand out a quiz
worth 50 percent

Nothing. None of the content of this course
has value or meaning
Take as many days off as you like:
any activities we undertake as a class
I assure you will not matter either to you or me
and are without purpose

Everything. A few minutes after we began last time
a shaft of light suddenly descended and an angel
or other heavenly being appeared
and revealed to us what each woman or man must do
to attain divine wisdom in this life and
the hereafter
This is the last time the class will meet
before we disperse to bring the good news to all people on earth

Nothing. When you are not present
how could something significant occur?

Everything. Contained in this classroom
is a microcosm of human experience
assembled for you to query and examine and ponder
This is not the only place such an opportunity has been gathered

but it was one place

And you weren't here

Speaking of

[Alternate title: 15 things on the 15th, (More than) a few randoms]

1. What we're eating this week:

bún / sunday night stew

2. A favorite meal from last week: Chinese-inspired beef and pork bone soup with lotus root, shiitake mushroom, goji berries, and red dates. I didn't expect at this point in my life to be cooking Asian food 80-90% of the time (and of that, mostly Chinese/Vietnamese, sorry David!), but it's one of those things where I've learned that there's way less drama at the table when we eat these foods. It's weird because I don't feel like I technically even know how to cook Asian food. (I learned it by eating, and when I learned to cook I didn't learn Asian food.) When I do feel in flow, it's cool to know that it's somehow just in my blood and also in my brain, the repetition of it hitting my taste buds on an almost-daily basis for 18 years (my mom is an amazing cook, of all different cuisines, too). I still have a LOT to learn.

3. Speaking of mothers, and in light of Mother's Day last weekend, I found something I made twenty years ago.

When I called her to show her, she laughed and said, "Why do you have this and not me?"

4. Re-reading To Kill a Mockingbird... 'nuff said.

5. My pattern of thin slices of joy is: time with people, sunshine, good food/drink, thifting, good conversation.

5b. We had a picnic on the deck this Saturday and we realized our meals are especially happy when they are a hybrid between take-out and home-made. This was pizza and steak, and the day before we brought over take-out roast duck and chicken wings with home-made cabbage, salad, and rice to a family's move.

Not pictured: me taking the photo, Theo searching for worms 

6. Speaking of slimy things, I've successfully brewed my first really good batch of kombucha. Let a sista know if you'd like a SCOBY!

7. This simple matchstick solution has been bringing me disproportionate amounts of joy. I've made three or four of them already out of old votive holders or baby food jars and I can't get over how amazing it is.

We have been loving candles here... I don't know why it took me so long to realize that candles can take a day from gloomy to cozy! Tip: TJMaxx seems to have a great selection and for cheap.

8. Speaking of making the storage of things look pretty, I've been trying to do a lot of that in the house lately. Last-year-me dismissed the Nate Berkuss method of taking the labels off of things, but this-year-me is all about this. A friend was telling me about a family member who will only accept wooden toys in her house, which led her to call them, jokingly, "high-end granola." I laughed, but then later I was, like, that's what I want to be! (Insert thinking emoji.) When I told David that story, he said, "granola is expensive!" Indeed, it is.

9. Speaking of granola, I need to make a batch. Molly's No. 5 is the best, but I need to leave out nuts for the baby, so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do yet. Even if I hadn't mention #8 above, I've been thinking about granola and other breakfast items because I need more breakfast ideas. I've been avoiding eggs and also nuts, so my protein choices feel limited. We've been eating more sausage for breakfast but I need a little more variety so I've been thinking about prepping grain bowls (like this) or other savory meals (like this) that I can have in the AM - essentially, eating lunch or dinner for breakfast. If anyone has ideas for non-sweet breakfasts that don't involve eggs, I'm all ears!

10. Speaking of oats, have you ever had baked oatmeal? It was better than expected. One person called it the bread pudding of oatmeal, and I know not everyone likes bread pudding, but thinking about it that way made me like this even more.

11. An inspiring typography video of Ira Glass that could be applied to any creative endeavor / learning curve.

12. Princess Kate + vulnerability + social media + mental health awareness

13. A sweet home tour of a blogger I've been following for a while.

14. Speaking of homes, I'm taking The Nester's decorating class right now and my head is buzzing with ideas. It's hard to slow down and know that this just takes time.

15. David and I had a great conversation about rest, quality over quantity, spiritual wealth, and contentedness. What rhythms help you (and your families, if applicable) balance achievement and rest?

A life well-lived

I'm re-reading Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak, which I haven't read in more than a decade. (Remember when I talked about vocation/vacation?) I have to say, it's really speaking to me this time.

Have you ever read a book at just the right time, where you find yourself nodding along to every single sentence in every single paragraph?

I had to stop to breathe and then wipe away tears after reading this paragraph:

"Vocation at its deepest level is not, 'Oh boy, do I want to go to this strange place where I have to learn a new way to live and where no one, including me, understands what I'm doing.' Vocation at its deepest level is, 'This is something I can't not do, for reasons I'm unable to explain to anyone else and don't fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling'" (Palmer, 25).

I'm really resonating with the tension between the ego and the true-self. Am I living the life I am meant to live? Of course, there are very valid reasons we run away from our calling, and there are so many (SO many) conflicting messages from all directions (within and without) as to what is a life well-lived.

I'm comforted by the fact that even Palmer went through darkness and shadows, which he believes are integral in the journey towards selfhood, and that he wanted to share with us what he felt few elders were willing to talk to him about when he was in his twenties and thirties.

I could go on and on, and really, the whole thing is just so evocative I am tempted to cut and paste the entire book to my blog, but alas.

Oh, to be a Quaker!

Finally, this whole divine/human interface is making me feel very confused and like it's time for a cheeseburger.

Awoken

Three screenshots of my Overdrive app

This post is just a great big dump of all the books that have crossed my path in the past couple of months.

I love that I discovered Overdrive this past year (ebooks are actually not as horrible as I thought they would be; give it a try if you're wary and at least just see what you think!). But I'm also returning to my first love of actual paper copies and it is something lovely.

I showed up early to a dinner date with a friend the other day and got to browse at a nearby thrift store. My soul was awoken simply from getting to touch old fabric-bound classics and skimming book titles with my head turned sideways.

In this last year I've seriously ramped up on my plugged-in time (e.g., blogging, Instagram, texting, even some Facebook when I'm feeling crazy (!)), which for me has actually been good. But when I feel myself getting too wired, I know it's time to pull back, and some of the ways I do that is: (1) get back to reading paper books, (2) consolidating social media and blog reading to certain times of the day, (3) turning on Do Not Disturb and airplane mode as needed.

(It's crazy how something as simple as touching a natural material - e.g., paper made from trees - is at once calming and enlivening, versus touching plastic and glass.)

It's an interesting dance to figure out how to incorporate technology, to find that sweet spot where it's assisting you in your goals without sucking the marrow out of your soul.

David and I have been having some conversations (on the RoCast, our private podcast where we pretend we are famous like Rob Bell and we record ourselves using the Voice Memo app) about technology and the resulting loss of community and connection for Millennials especially, because of where we fall between two differing generations.

Anyway, I'm still figuring out the best way to share what I'm reading, but until then, here's a dump of EVERYTHING. Please chime in with any of your thoughts and/or suggestions!

Books I've finished in the last couple months

1. The Magic of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd and the Coffee+Crumbs Team (own this, love it; it would be a great baby shower gift)
2. Quiet by Susan Cain (mentioned in a recent post of mine)
3. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari (it was entertaining to read something that is so Aziz; also, enlightening to see how relationships have changed as a result of technology; the fact that texting > phone calls in 2007 explains my life.)
4. Nine Women One Dress by Jane L. Rosen (fun breezy read)
5. The Nesting Place by Myquillyn Smith (I love how Myquillyn explains how you should think about decorating, which applies to anyone no matter your style; my take-aways are It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful, you can't ruin something you already hate, just get started, you will have to make nail holes in your house and that's okay, try to do as much as you can yourself and save only what you must to bug your husband to do)
6. The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (great modern intro to the Enneagram)
7. Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner (surprised me with its tone and overall was just a unique/interesting read; I wasn't familiar with her before so that perhaps affected my read)

Books that got returned to the library before I finished them (for one reason or another!)

1. Notes from a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider
2. Falling Free by Shannan Martin
3. Untethered by Julie Lawson Timmer
4. An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (This book really resonated with me and I think I'd like to try to check out a paper copy in the future)
5. Commonwealth by Ann Patchett
6. A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman
7. How to Manage Your House Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White
8. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
9. Organized Simplictiy by Tsh Oxenreider

Books I have on hold

1. All Grown Up by Jami Attenberg
2. Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance
3. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
4. No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegal (book club book for an online group that I'm lurking in and thinking of jumping in on?)

Books that I found at the thrift store the other day (I thought it was a lucky day, but maybe it's just the good side of town, ha)

1. Big Magic by Liz Gilbert (hard cover!) - gave it to a friend and also currently re-reading; I mentioned that it was one of the most influential books I read in 2016.
2. Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster (also hard cover! can't have too many copies of my 67th favorite book, lol)
3. Rising Strong by Brené Brown (also hard cover!) - I'm reading this right now and it's amazing, if anyone cares to join along!
4. Quiet by Susan Cain (ask me if you want to borrow it!)
5. The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones

Books I'm reading now

1. Big Magic by Liz Gilbert (re-read; well, I did listen to the audiobook the first time, which was awesome, so this is my first time actually reading)
2. Rising Strong by Brené Brown
3. Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham (just got this today)
4. Your Are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy (also just got this today)

P.S. Our favorite children's book that we recently discovered: Nanette's Baguettes

P.P.S. Links are Amazon affiliate links. You won't spend extra if you purchase anything through these links, but a percentage of the sale will go to supporting the aforementioned RoCast. Just kidding. Maybe. 

On being a shy extrovert

"Vulnerability is [...] having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." -- Brené Brown

Last week I wrote about feeling weary of feeling lonely. The writing of it was very hard to tease out, but - and I keep discovering this - as I pushed though things and disciplined myself to just write (without pressure to publish but just for the sake of doing it), I felt a lot lighter.

I'm not sure what came over me the day after that but in a moment of boldness I later posted on the Year of Creativity Facebook group (and y'all know I do not use Facebook) to introduce myself for the first time (3 months into the year!) and I decided to share my blog. (Many of the ladies have already shared their blogs, published articles, social media accounts, other projects, etc.)

I had yet to speak up on the group and so, in typical me fashion, I typed with trepidation. I couldn't help but share that I'm an Ennegram 6, and that I was thus afraid that publicly sharing my blog would cause me to stop writing.

I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of responses, the encouragement to keep going, and the reassurance that I am not alone.

Apparently I had been keeping these feelings of despair to myself because I didn't want to be a burden to other people. I didn't even want to put the words to paper because I felt like I deserved to feel the burden of it. (Such is the insidious nature of isolation, whether self-imposed or not.)

But now I wonder if the truest form of opening up isn't burdensome to others, but is instead an opportunity for others to see me as I am. It doesn't demand but rather gently invites.

The same evening after I took that step to share myself in internet land, I spontaneously invited two of my neighbors and their kids over to play in our yard after dinner. To my delight, they responded with quick and eager yesses.

The chill had let up a bit as the day had progressed (as is often the case in Seattle), and I exhilarated in the thrill of having friends to chat with on the back deck as we watched the kids play on the grass and the golden glow settled on the cherry blossoms.

After they left, and we put the kids down for bed, I found myself with an unexpected energy as I tidied up the toys and cleared the kitchen.

It was a simple gathering, in which there had been no planning or food (two of my specialties) - although decaf and Bailey's was offered - but which was thoroughly satisfying for me. And while we didn't have super deep and share-all-your-darkest-secrets conversation, I was the most energized I had been in a long time.

Since that evening I've made a simple connection for me that is changing my perspective in this current season of life for me.

The connection pertains to Susan Cain's Quiet, in which the author proposes two dimensions to personality, the introversion-extroversion axis and the orthogonal axis that measures how anxious/calm or stable an individual (whether introverted or extroverted) is.

(This article, also by Cain, maps those axes to the four humors, with which I am very familiar from Stephen Ministry training, and which also explains the nuanced difference between my and David's extroversion.)

The ah-ha moment for me is that I'm an anxious or shy extrovert. (I've always joked that I'm an extroverted homebody, as in, Everybody come to me, but this categorization of Anxious really puts some legs on this thing.)

I love being with people but I dislike putting myself out there. I think this predicament is amplified by being an Enneagram 6. I am excellent at being a chameleon: I wait to see what others think first, so that I can present only the parts of myself that are congruent with them.*

(*I think this is why blogging is super scary for me, because although some close friends know every dimension and plane of me, I am wont to keep different circles of friendships in which I am a certain version of me. This supposedly is to protect me (from ostracization?), but I do it at the expense of authenticity. It sounds sad when I type this out. Sigh.

So when I tell new friends that I have a blog, I sort of cringe and think, "oh no, they are going to read something that reveals a different part of me that I'm afraid they will reject me for." And there are definitely people I want to be friends with with whom I haven't shared my blog because I am afraid of what they will think.)

Naming this disparity for myself - the fact that I get energy from people but I'm shy to be the first to put myself out there - helped me realize how I actually have more control over my life than I thought I did. I may not have control over how many deep and abiding friendships I can secure (intentionally clingy word choice there), but I can take a simple step (which may or not be related) which is to get my extroverted needs met. This - at its simplest - means to to make plans with people, spend time with them, go out and find people. So adultish, but yes, it is, after all, my responsibility to get my needs met.

For when I feel energized I am a more interesting person which ultimately reinforces my efforts to develop deeper community.

So I guess my goal now is to be aware (and accepting) of my need to be with people (just as I respect and support introverts I know who need alone time to recharge) and, with self-compassion, support myself in the quest to fill my days with more friend time. Sounds like a plan, right? (Insert self-five.)

P.S. I just read the chapter in Quiet on Asian-Americans which discusses my hometown Cupertino and even mentions my high school (!). It made me wonder if I have not adjusted my introvert-extrovert scale to a different culture outside of the Bay.

P.P.S. If anyone else is reading Quiet, I hope you'll comment below and/or text me your thoughts. So far, I'm enjoying it, but also struggling with the lack of differentiation between being introverted and being quiet. I know she tries to bring up that point (and I mention this with the two axes above) but I still think that the analysis is confounded by a subtle confluence between extroversion and expressiveness. I struggle to believe that America or the West is actually necessarily more extroverted than other cultures, but rather that expressiveness and boldness and individualism are elevated in this culture. I don't believe extroversion and expressiveness are the same thing. Anyhoo, maybe I'm misreading this or projecting on it too much.

P.P.P.S. I'd love your comments! Being a grown up means I can "ask for what I want and honor the response" (Richo, How To Be An Adult). Well, this extroverted Enneagram 6 thrives on feedback so I would love to hear from you. :) Thanks, as always, for reading. This is such a good exercise for me, to write and then to be brave by sharing. Thank you so much for being here.

The life raft I've needed

Somewhat abashedly, I bring you this post that has been sitting in my drafts for a couple months now: The Three Most Influential Books I Read in 2016. 2016 was a big year for me, and the biggest gift - besides the birth of my daughter, obvs - was learning about Overdrive and getting access to a library (#literally) of books at my fingertips. 

I'm thankful for all the discoveries I made through falling in love with reading again this last year; there was so much magic in it (#literallyagain), and I look forward to reading and sharing more in 2017!

1. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

I keep thinking I need to write a separate post about this because it is changing my life, as well as still kicking my butt because I am not done with it (i.e., the tidying, not the book).

I'm sure you have heard enough about Kondo's concepts from everyone else on the internet already, but it has been the one method that has really worked for getting me to confront the underlying reasons of why I can't always do the things I need to do to get to the place I want to be.

A few of you texted me after I wrote The Secret Sauce. I still really struggle with scarcity mentality, and I've been thinking a lot about how if I let go of fear, what will be left?

2. Essentialism by Greg McKeown

Oddly, I can't remember exactly why I loved this book so much (other than having it read to me by the author; I've since changed Siri to a UK man voice so I can pretend that Greg McKeown is with me always).

The most convicting point was when he challenged his readers with the question (paraphrased): are you going to look back on your life and regret not doing the one thing you were made to do, because you were so busy chasing the meaningless other things you thought you needed to do (or that you thought other people expected you to do)?

3. Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

This was another good one to have read aloud (Christine rightly recommended the audio version, and I am SO not an audiobook person), because it's also read by the author, and Liz Gilbert has thee most soothing and encouraging voice ever.

I loved everything Gilbert had to say, but the most important takeaway for me was: don't take yourself so seriously / don't be a tormented artist / follow inspiration and curiosity / don't worry so much about the outcome / enjoy the process / have fun with your art.

This is the message that I've been carrying into my life for the past half-year now, and am incorporating here by showing up on my blog, starting to Instagram more, doing random art projects, and working on some diy projects around the house.

I think she really gets it right when she talks about how inspiration is from the Divine, and that if we want more opportunities for it, we have to take action on the ones we are given.

This seems like a bold statement to make, but I feel like Big Magic has been the life raft I've needed ever since graduating from college.

Please let me know what you've been reading and loving!

--

And this week's menu!

Miso mapo tofu is my own creation to make mapo tofu without gluten (so many black bean sauces have wheat in them, didn't know that before!). Miso works really well (not soy free, however) and makes a flavorful dish that incidentally serves as a non-spicy version great for kids! Another standby is to have rotisserie chicken from the grocery store on one night and make broth with the carcass the following day for pho (just add fish sauce!). For bún (i.e., Viet noodle bowls), we work off of Molly's recipe from Delancey.

P.S. I am so giddy because apparently on February 23 I got my first two Amazon Affiliate purchases from this blog. Besides feeling giddy, I am so curious who that was, so if that was you and this wouldn't embarrass you, would you please let me know either by comment or email what you got?? Thanks, on all counts!

P.P.S. Shout-out to Christine, whose What I'm Reading series inspired this post, and which will inspire you as well.

Designing my blog

After writing and publishing that last post, I felt great (awesome comments/discussion too!) but nowhere nearer to a satisfactory solution for structuring this blog.

It was a gift, then, that Designing Your Life showed up in my queue on Overdrive, because the concepts raised in the book addressed the questions that have been rising up in my soul.

Using the principles taught in the Design School at Stanford, Burnett and Evans talk about how to design your life. (I mentioned in a previous post on vocation that I once took a course with Dave Evans at Berkeley.)

I think the biggest takeaway so far is that there isn't one life waiting to be discovered and lived by me; in fact, there may be multiple lives that want to live through me.

It could appear a little haunting, but I'm trying to see it as freeing. I am totally the person who (as far as I can tell) was not made for a specific vocation. However, I am so used to thinking in terms of goals, teleology, and so this free-floating that is happening nowadays kind of freaks me out.

This blog is such a reflection of my life; I want to structure it, organize it, but that wouldn't be me. It won't let me rein it it. Simultaneously, I want to hide, and not show people my real self because I feel completely un-put together. But something keeps telling me to come back.

I am re-reading Big Magic, trying not to be freaked out by the question, "Do you have the courage to bring for this work [i.e., the creative life]? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes" (7).

I think I struggle more with faith than I do courage. It's not so much about bravery for me, I'm willing to do a lot of stupid things. But I do struggle to believe that there's a purpose for what I'm doing.

The hardest thing for me is to act on those still, tiny feelings when I don't have everything lined up in a row first.

Even with this blog, when I first re-launched it with my thirty day project, I had no idea where I was going, but when I completed it, I was pretty darn proud of what was unearthed.

Theo discovered a "treaded tractor" in the shadow of the couch plus some other random object that was there. 

In Designing Your Life, the authors explain how designers use prototypes, trying not to be too committed to one idea (and certainly not the first idea that comes up), and hoping that if it fails, that it fails fast so you can move to the next one.

I have been 99% consistent with once-weekly blog posts since the close of my thirty day project, and I think I'm ready to increase my output to two posts per week. Perhaps one of them will be the so-called scheduled type post that follows a more traditional pattern (e.g., kid updates, fun lists, photos, etc.) and the other will be open-ended (scary! wonderful!), as has been my wont.

(Does that just totally fit my personality or what? Rules and rule-breaking. Oh my gah I'm so predictable.)

The other random tidbit from the book is the difference between engineering and designing. The authors purport that when approaching your life from a design stance, you don't focus on the problems, but on the people. The best design is done with empathy and consideration for the people the designed thing will ultimately be for.

(Elizabeth, I'm totally all ears for your thoughts on design! :D)

So I'm trying to apply that to my life/blog. How can I design a life/blog that really serves me? What would that even look like?

I seriously have no idea.

---

(Can I blog about how writing this blog post about blogging - and the previous one too - made me feel 5238947329427 times better about my angst? This is so bizarre, and I'm trying to pay attention to this pattern. When I sat down to write today I was like, "I hate writing. I hate this stupid commitment I made to blogging. I don't want to write. All my ideas are stupid. I am such a contradiction. Everything I thought I wanted to say is mush. No one is making me do this except myself. I want to die." And then after I do it, I feel lighter. So weird. Okay, just had to share that.)

Falling for wintery foods

(First of all, what?! Okay, that said...

...) I'm often disappointed with traditional beef stews, finding them too acidic or even tinny tasting, and not beefy enough to boot.

But there is one version that never fails, and that is Ree Drummond's Sunday Night Stew.

Her pictures are way more gorgeous, her sauce more deeply mahogany, probably because I use chicken stock where she uses beef.

My favorite part of this recipe is the turnips - different, but oh so good, a wonderful contrast texturally to the beef.

It also doesn't hurt that Ree serves the stew on top of mashed potatoes that have been whipped with a stick of butter and a carton of cream cheese.

I highly recommend that you allow your rule-following (at least when it comes to recipes) spouse to make the mashed potatoes so that he can use the full amount of fat and you don't have to see how much goes into it to make it so luscious and heavenly.

(And this is why we all willingly fork over our hard-earned paychecks to cafes and bakeries, so we don't have to see all the good bad stuff that goes into everything that tastes amazing.)

Bonus: Pro tip from my friend Kayla is to freeze spoonfuls of tomato paste (because you NEVER need a whole can and it ALWAYS goes to waste) on a sheet pan, par-freeze it, then transfer to a ziplock in the freezer so you always have little dollops of paste when needed. You're welcome.

---

Another meal we tried this week was Winter Albondigas Soup:

And finally...

• Reading 168 Hours by Laura Vanderkam. It's surprisingly provocative for me personally, enough so that I might need to do a book report (aka another post) on this. As a teaser, know that I have woken up at 5 a.m. (!) for the last two days and gone walking! (I took advantage of Daylights Savings Time to make this shift.)
• Enjoyed this post on 7 Steps to Internet Sanity
• Appreciated this follow-up article from Stephie to my question about cookbook club.
• Love this quote by Cyril Connolly: "Better to write for yourself and have no public than write for the public and have no self."

Get ready for a bunch of randoms.

Lucky Peach Presents 101 Easy Asian Recipes is seriously the bomb. No deep frying, no sub-recipes (i.e., recipes whose ingredient lists are themselves things you need to prepare). Irreverent, bold, nerdy, lazy, pan-Asian. Basically everything I am. I was already sold, and then it came out and used the word "subparenthetically" in the middle of a parenthetical! What the what?! I need.

David and I both finished Scary Close and loved it. (Eunice, I'm sorry I'm so late to the e-book game. For the life of me I could not figure it out two years ago when you gave me a free copy!)

I have also been bawling my eyes out over Lost and Found, the episode on the Liturgists where Science Mike and Michael Gungor tell their stories of their losing their faith. (It's taken me a week and I'm still in part 1 because of all the crying breaks.) This was the first time I've heard the term "deconversion." I resonated with almost everything they are talking about, and it's so validating to have intelligent people articulate some very complex and nuanced and vulnerable things. I also chortled when they talked about Donald Miller and Rob Bell being "dangerous" authors to a Southern Baptist.

Speaking of Bell, listening to Velvet Elvis and enjoying it so far. (The audiobook is actually read by the author, who is, in this case, a great reader. But David listened to Scary Close and the reader - not Don Miller - was not a good match for the book. Alas.)

Annoyed by The Couple Next Door. Shame on me, but I skipped the middle section and read the end. I never do that kind of thing. Oh well.

Also enjoyed The Power of Habit and the perhaps controversial Love Warrior.

Absolutely slayed by my Enneathought a couple of days ago:

Today, explore the issue of boundaries. As a Six, are your boundaries too rigid? Can you trust people to get close to you? Can you share more of your feelings and ideas?

(Yes, Kayla, that was what inspired my notebook entry. ;p)

Invented this dish of steamed tilapia over silken tofu cubes with black bean sauce. We loved the layered textures. (It felt analogous to the Asian carb-on-carb-ness of potatoes and rice as well as reminiscent of Fuschia Dunlop's avocado over silken tofu appetizer.)

Had a super eggplant week with Persian-style eggplant dip and miso-crusted eggplant (both from Liana Krisoff's Vegetarian*), and then yu-xiang eggplant with grass-fed ground beef (amazing!). *Kind of trying to do a cook/book club with this. Slai, can you please give me more details on how you guys did yours?

Finally, gearing up for Thanksgiving season. What are some creative ways you guys are thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving this year?

Nothing to keep me in check

You'd think the pressure would be off, now that my project is officially over, but actually feels more intense on this first day "off." I have nothing to keep me in check, except faith in myself, if I am the secret sauce.

So can we just let Anne Lamott do the talking today?

I couldn't sleep last night so I made two slices of toast and picked up Bird by Bird, in which she has already said what I set out to say yesterday:

"Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises. That thing you had to force yourself to do---the actual art of writing---turns out to be the best part. . . . The act of writing turns out to be its own reward." (xxvi)

***

I finally started Essentialism. Um, it's amazing. It's essentially Konmari for your life (pun unintended), if you didn't already make the leap yourself. The audiobook version arrived first from my list of library holds so I'm indulging in listening to the author read it in his British accent, as if the words themselves weren't convincing enough.

He puts so well the conundrum of today's society: that we have so many options it's hard to make the right choices. And when we choose not to choose we end up with more but not better. We can have anything, but probably not everything.

I can't recommend it enough.

14. Anything, but not everything

'

"You can do anything, but not everything." -- David Allen

This quote grounds Ali Wong's rant against feminism. I don't want everything. And I especially don't want to feel like I'm expected to want everything. But I do want to figure out what is important to me and live that out fully.

Peace out, friends!

P.S. I started Amy Poehler's Yes, Please and love it. (Also, that is how I responded to David's proposal.) 

P.P.S. Kayla, if you want to get a head start on the next book I'm dying to read but that is still on my hold list, it's Essentialism by Greg Keown.

13. Mindfully, then mindlessly

I started a new book with serendipitous resonances to what I've been thinking about: Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before. I'm only a few chapters in but I love how she dives right into some very compelling points. She posits that a habit becomes something you have already decided, which takes the decision-making - and thus the dependence upon self-control - out of the equation. It's mindful, and then it's mindless. Or numbing.

I bought and started the above-pictured habit tracker in the beginning of July, and chose "get up before the kids" in preparation for my writing workshop, knowing that I'd need to build more time into my day. I am so far from being a morning person that I made this mini-goal of waking up only 25 minutes before I have to get Emilyn up. Of course, when I started this, both kids started waking up on their own way earlier than my goal. Little stinkers. Fortunately, it got better quickly.

I love showing up early for everything else in my life (early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable), and yet it's so hard for me to show up early for my life. Does anyone have tips for waking up early? I want more for myself but I still feel like death whenever the alarm clock rings.*

Of course the other goal/habit has been this project of blogging almost-daily. At first it was a leap; it was really hard the first few days, and then it got way better. I didn't even notice that the agony/anguish has been reduced significantly until I was telling a friend about it yesterday. (Yup, looking back, I was experiencing peak anguish on days three and five.) Once I decided, the decision-making was no longer taking up energy.

What habits have you successfully added to your life / would you like to start?

_____________
* Since drafting this post earlier this afternoon, I read far enough into Rubin's book to see that she recommends working within the "type" of person you are when developing habits; the first designation listed is owl/lark. Ha! (As I finish revising to post at 10:25 p.m...) And, yes, I do realize that waking up even at 7:20 is not considered very early to many people.

P.S. Also, just did reverse meal planning. Mind blown. Perfect for us rebels!

09. Undone

Part of me wants to more closely examine what is sustaining this recent influx of creative energy, but the other part is embarrassed about what it's (I'm?) most likely going to find, because it's most likely The Internets. Like, really? So lame.

I guess this is really a humble brag. Because I am such an ideation and input person, I'd chosen for the longest time to resist/minimize technology lest it overtake my life. Also, six years ago when we first moved to a new city, I thought that instead of spending time on technology I would actually go and MEET PEOPLE, what a novel concept. That really didn't work so well. I don't know if it's me or the city but it's still hard to make friends here.

Surprisingly (that's a euphemism for depressingly), in recent months of dipping my toes into the waters of the aforementioned internets, I've found a lot of interesting and energizing ideas. Nursing has provided me hours of inspiration through e-books or Instagram, and I've been consuming podcasts and audiobooks while cleaning/folding laundry/walking. I have yet to be swept up into the ocean, although there are moments I still fear drowning.

(Sidebar: I recently heard two (and two is therefore ALL) super creative people mention that they love the internet because they are introverts and it allows them to feel connected without having to do it in person. I cocked my head in confusion when I heard that. I'm here on the other side as an extrovert saying, ohmygoodnesspleasebemyfriendi'llmakeyouanythingyouwanttoeatandwecanhangoutforever and youshouldprobablybringyourtoothbrushsoyoucanspendthenight and no one wants to be my friend! Okay, maybe not no one but sometimes it really feels that way. I sincerely apologize to the many people currently in my life who are being super gracious with me and extending friendship to me. End mini-rant.)

(And also. I should have made an analogy in my other post about wanting to gather/survey all the non-Facebookers. Instead of "Introverts unite! Separately, in your own home", I need something like, "non-Facebookers, come connect with me... on Xanga?")

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... Maybe that I'm disappointed that I initially chose to minimize engagement with and reliance upon technology in pursuit of Greater Fulfillment, but that in this point of my life, the internet seems to be a great tool in helping me achieve my goals?

Part of why I made a project out of blogging is not because I'm an introvert (I'm not) and I need to hide behind my computer but because I'm an external processor and I need to get my thoughts and feelings out so that I can feel normal. (And because David doesn't have all day to listen to be ramble, and because Kathy is going to hit me over the head if I mention the word "creativity" one more time.)

***

I'm thinking about the relationship between discipline and freedom (and my mind drifts back to Richard Foster, ah). Today I randomly recalled a quote I heard on a podcast episode where Robin Long shared one of her mantras, "Do the thing you need to do, to feel the way you want to feel." I love that; I think it encapsulates adulthood, which I'm finally starting to own (good thing, bad thing?), in the best sense. Yes, adults have to do lots of hard things, things we may not feel like doing. But adults have the power and freedom to pursue their own joy and happiness, too. Now if only I could figure out 1) what I need to do, and 2) how I want to feel. #youngersibling #enneagram6

So that's what I'm thinking about today, as I process and express myself like an angsty teenager would.

***

Also, currently: reading The Fault in Our Stars and listening to The Art of Non-Conformity.

Aaand, two diagrams that writing this post made me think of doing: 1) listing all the forms of communication/connection I prefer and in what order; 2) making a matrix of all my friends, local and long-distance, with their levels of introversion-extraversion and other personality traits.

So... leave a comment and sign off with your Myers-Briggs for me?



Housekeeping note: I started this post yesterday and am finishing today. I'm going to give myself grace and not make up an extra post. (Plus, the fact that I jumped around to a million different topics should count for something, right?) I think I will just keep plugging along until I've done 20 posts, somewhat following the month-long minus the weekends rule that I set up for myself in the beginning.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

--Walt Whitman

... 

(That ellipses there is supposed to signify that what comes after this parenthetical is like the secret track when you let your CD keep playing. Remember those?)

Okay, I really need to hit Publish, but I just found this: have you heard of quietism before?